What Day I'm On: 25 out of 40 (62.5% of the way)
How's It Going? Better today! My headache is gone, thank the Lord! The tummy ache seems to only bother me in the mornings, and the back ache is getting better but is definitely still there. Luckily, it does not keep me from walking or exercising, just sitting. Unluckily, guess what my job has me doing all day? Warming that office chair! But s'ok--there is one way I can sit, leaning way back with the keyboard propped up on my belly, that it doesn't hurt. I will just explain to the patients that I am working around back pain. Since I work in the Physical Therapy department, I'm pretty sure they'll understand!
I know what I did to my back--I moved a very heavy compost container. I knew when I tried to move it that I really ought to get help. When will I learn that I am not Super Mal?! Sorry back! Sorry sciatic nerve that I ticked off! Won't happen again.
I had fun with my kids, going to both of their grandparents' houses like we usually do on Sundays. Lunch at my ex-MIL who nodded approvingly at my juice and asked how much longer. (Only 15 days! Woot!) My mom gave me some good-natured ribbing, "That looks like bile!" so I gave her some back, "Yep, looks like bile and almost as tasty!" We both laughed pretty hard. I know that she's proud of me for sticking with this.
We went shopping and Mom got me a couple of cardigan sweaters, one in a cheery cotton candy pink and one in a bright lovely turquoise. I wear a lot of black (a LOT of black!) so they'll be nice for a little pop of color and they're perfect for layering. In the Pacific NW, weather is like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're going to get! The cardigans were so cheap--on clearance from Spring, maybe? But that was so nice of Mom--she wouldn't let me talk her out of getting them for me. :)
When I did her wound care, I agree with the doctor, it looks a whole lot better. Yay for homeopathic rememdies! How I would dearly love to get her on raw food, even for a couple of months, the way Rawdawg Rory did for his mom. His mom had awesome results: she released 40 lbs, she got to get off a lot of her medications, and she had some ulcers on her legs that she'd had for more than 3 yrs finally heal up. My mom was raised in the South, and supper isn't supper without some unfortunate animal fried up in Crisco on the plate. She doesn't like sweets, so I can't hook her in with raw desserts, my usual tactic. She does like salad and other veggies so I make a point of bringing over something for her to "try" each week. So far, she loves my version of Thai salad rolls, and my Asian Persuasion Coleslaw (which even has a little raw beet in it and it turns it a gorgeous pink!) I know the garlic and ginger and the cruciferous veggies are great for her. I will hook her in yet! hee hee (insert manachical cackle) No, seriously, I never ever ever nag her about trying raw because that's a great way to make someone hate it. I just bring her "treats." My dad too! He's easier because he loves desserts and green smoothies. Dad has Multiple Sclerosis. They are both in wheelchairs. Mom, who has only one leg, takes care of Dad! She is kind of amazing. Joe, my youngest, has three more years of high school. When he's on to college, I will move in with my parents so I can take care of them more. Their house is all set up for them, and they love being independent. Honestly, it would be easier on me than running across town to their place all the time. They don't need much help--just with the major household chores--Mom does the cooking and laundry and dishes. I do the bathrooms and mopping and vacuuming, etc. I also water their plants and get the mail, little stuff like that. It would be so much easier if I lived there. I could also take over their mortgage payment, since it is about the same as what I pay in rent, and that would take some pressure off them. They'd pay the utilities for all of us, so that would make it a little cheaper for me, too. I just hope they can hold on and stay independent until I get my Joe-ster out of school! But anyway, when I'm living there, I will be eating raw, and I hope they'll just want some of what I'm having, since that's how it worked with my kids.
What I'm Drinking: Penni's salsa juice from Real Juice Daily. I only use a teensy bit of jalapeno, and a small bit of sweet onion, one clove of garlic, a ton of cilantro and about 15 roma tomatoes, along with some lemon juice, and a couple stalks of celery to make it saltier. It is so good! Have you gotten Real Juice Daily yet? If not, why not? It is such a good read--about so much more than just juicing, although it's a great resource for that too. Penni really goes deep--I found out so much more about her, and it just makes me love her all the more. Plus, she gives me such great ideas.
Detox: I don't think the back pain is detox. I think the back pain was a breathtaking case of temporary dumbness. lol The headache is gone, but probably was from not enough sleep, so I'm working on that. The belly pain seems to be referred pain from the back--those nerves stick together. You tick one off, you tick them all off! Every morning, my nose runs like a faucet and I sneeze a bit, and I'm pretty sure that is some detox. Let it out! Let it all out. That's why I'm here, people.
On My Mind: As I dream of breaking the fast (stay in the day! I know, I know. But I think about it, ok?!) I am planning on doing two days of smoothies, to reintroduce fiber, and then progressing to mono meals of fruit and then adding in some salad. And then, I would like to have a celebration meal at Blossoming Lotus with my Portland/Vancouver pals. This would be on Friday, September 17. Is anyone up for it?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 24 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
What Day I'm On: 24 out of 40, 60% of the way
It is Sunday again, and time to focus on gratitude! (I just love Sunday!) Actually, I do gratitude work every day (I'm that lucky! lol) but Sunday is the day that I blabber on about it in my blog. :)
First good news is about my car, which decided to take up SMOKING on Friday! I called Stanley, my awesome mechanic. Stanley is from Jamaica, and that's where he learned to fix cars. He said in Jamaica, all the cars are really old because it costs so much to import new ones, and people just hold on to their cars "fahevah mon." And so Stanley is uniquely qualified to keep old cars running, ad infinitum, and to do it on the super cheap. Which makes him uniquely qualified to be my mechanic! Plus, he makes house calls! Who does that, right? Stanley does. So Stanley came over and saw exactly what the problem was (a bad hose. It hadn't taken up smoking, it was just steaming mad at me. :) And since my car is really old, and this is the 2nd hose he's had to replace lately, he just went ahead and replaced all the other hoses. And only took 2 hrs (including time spent running to the parts shop) and only charged me $60. I'm telling you, every single mom should have a Stanley!
So today I thank God for wheels that get my family where we need to go safely, for a non-smoking car, and for Stanley, a great mechanic and a heckuva nice guy. Bonus: It's rally ke-wel to hear him talk, mon!
My second thing I'm going to spout gratitude about today is about healing. As most of y'all know, Joe is my 15 yr old son and he had a major surgery on his back in June to correct severe scoliosis (crooked spine, and in his case, a small hunchback.) His surgeons had told us this was a rough operation for boys especially, and that he would probably be on narcotics up to six months to handle the pain. And at first, it was really tough, all he could do was lay down because the pain was excruciating when he'd try to sit. Still, he chose to only take pain medicine for about 3 wks, not 6 months. And he has been faithfully doing his rehabilitation exercises, as well as getting plenty of rest and as much raw food as he will let me poke down him.
I had been really worried that when school started again, next week, he wouldn't be able to sit for a whole day in class, that it would be too painful. But, right on time, about 2 wks ago, he started to be able to sit for longer and longer periods of time with no pain! And now, it is almost as if he had never even had the operation! He is still restricted from a lot of activities: bending at the waist, lifting more than 10 pounds, twisting ("It's really interfering with my yoga!" he quips) but I feel confident he's going to be able to get through school just fine.
As if that were not enough to be thankful for, my mom, who's had a non-healing ulcer on her foot since, I dunno, 3 yrs now? Suddenly started having some healing in it! I've gone over to her house 2-3 times a week to change the dressing ever since she got out of the hospital. She started out with two huge wounds: one on her heel, the size of a peach, and one on the top of her foot, the size of a large grape. (Can you tell I want some fruit?!) Anyway, we already got her heel wound healed, which took me about 2 yrs of trying every natural treatment I had ever heard of for hard to heal wounds. But the top of her foot has worse circulation so it wasn't getting any better and had worsened slightly. Until the last couple of weeks--I've been using ionized water and bee propolis on it, and it did look like it was getting slightly better. Then she went to the doctor, and he said, actually, it's gotten quite a bit better since he last checked it! Yay! Another victory for perserverance!
So I am grateful for this season of healing and for our miraculous bodies, designed by God to take such good care of us if we get out of their way!
How's It Going: Ack, these last few days have been rough. I have a headache, a backache, a belly ache, and temptation has been rearing it's ugly head, a lot. Yesterday, I almost broke my fast over a steamed green bean. A green bean, people! It just looked really, really good, and I wanted it. I wanted it! I've tried adding ginger to my juice for the aches and pains, but I don't notice any change. I don't want to bellyache about it anymore (hee) but I could sure use some prayers if you are so inclined.
What I'm Drinking: I added in a little bit of fruit juice to sweeten up my veggie juice, and can I just say? That first drink of pure watermelon juice was heaven. So sweet and so refreshing! I had several good gulps of it before I adding the rest to my veggie juice. I've not had the dizzy space cadet feeling since taking good advice and adding in the fruit juice. And heck mcdoodle, watermelons sure make a lot of juice! They make juicing a lot more economical. And tasty!
To all my friends-in-the-computer, I hope you have a wonderful week and keep it raw and green! Remember to love yourself, and then go love everybody else just for good measure!
It is Sunday again, and time to focus on gratitude! (I just love Sunday!) Actually, I do gratitude work every day (I'm that lucky! lol) but Sunday is the day that I blabber on about it in my blog. :)
First good news is about my car, which decided to take up SMOKING on Friday! I called Stanley, my awesome mechanic. Stanley is from Jamaica, and that's where he learned to fix cars. He said in Jamaica, all the cars are really old because it costs so much to import new ones, and people just hold on to their cars "fahevah mon." And so Stanley is uniquely qualified to keep old cars running, ad infinitum, and to do it on the super cheap. Which makes him uniquely qualified to be my mechanic! Plus, he makes house calls! Who does that, right? Stanley does. So Stanley came over and saw exactly what the problem was (a bad hose. It hadn't taken up smoking, it was just steaming mad at me. :) And since my car is really old, and this is the 2nd hose he's had to replace lately, he just went ahead and replaced all the other hoses. And only took 2 hrs (including time spent running to the parts shop) and only charged me $60. I'm telling you, every single mom should have a Stanley!
So today I thank God for wheels that get my family where we need to go safely, for a non-smoking car, and for Stanley, a great mechanic and a heckuva nice guy. Bonus: It's rally ke-wel to hear him talk, mon!
My second thing I'm going to spout gratitude about today is about healing. As most of y'all know, Joe is my 15 yr old son and he had a major surgery on his back in June to correct severe scoliosis (crooked spine, and in his case, a small hunchback.) His surgeons had told us this was a rough operation for boys especially, and that he would probably be on narcotics up to six months to handle the pain. And at first, it was really tough, all he could do was lay down because the pain was excruciating when he'd try to sit. Still, he chose to only take pain medicine for about 3 wks, not 6 months. And he has been faithfully doing his rehabilitation exercises, as well as getting plenty of rest and as much raw food as he will let me poke down him.
I had been really worried that when school started again, next week, he wouldn't be able to sit for a whole day in class, that it would be too painful. But, right on time, about 2 wks ago, he started to be able to sit for longer and longer periods of time with no pain! And now, it is almost as if he had never even had the operation! He is still restricted from a lot of activities: bending at the waist, lifting more than 10 pounds, twisting ("It's really interfering with my yoga!" he quips) but I feel confident he's going to be able to get through school just fine.
As if that were not enough to be thankful for, my mom, who's had a non-healing ulcer on her foot since, I dunno, 3 yrs now? Suddenly started having some healing in it! I've gone over to her house 2-3 times a week to change the dressing ever since she got out of the hospital. She started out with two huge wounds: one on her heel, the size of a peach, and one on the top of her foot, the size of a large grape. (Can you tell I want some fruit?!) Anyway, we already got her heel wound healed, which took me about 2 yrs of trying every natural treatment I had ever heard of for hard to heal wounds. But the top of her foot has worse circulation so it wasn't getting any better and had worsened slightly. Until the last couple of weeks--I've been using ionized water and bee propolis on it, and it did look like it was getting slightly better. Then she went to the doctor, and he said, actually, it's gotten quite a bit better since he last checked it! Yay! Another victory for perserverance!
So I am grateful for this season of healing and for our miraculous bodies, designed by God to take such good care of us if we get out of their way!
How's It Going: Ack, these last few days have been rough. I have a headache, a backache, a belly ache, and temptation has been rearing it's ugly head, a lot. Yesterday, I almost broke my fast over a steamed green bean. A green bean, people! It just looked really, really good, and I wanted it. I wanted it! I've tried adding ginger to my juice for the aches and pains, but I don't notice any change. I don't want to bellyache about it anymore (hee) but I could sure use some prayers if you are so inclined.
What I'm Drinking: I added in a little bit of fruit juice to sweeten up my veggie juice, and can I just say? That first drink of pure watermelon juice was heaven. So sweet and so refreshing! I had several good gulps of it before I adding the rest to my veggie juice. I've not had the dizzy space cadet feeling since taking good advice and adding in the fruit juice. And heck mcdoodle, watermelons sure make a lot of juice! They make juicing a lot more economical. And tasty!
To all my friends-in-the-computer, I hope you have a wonderful week and keep it raw and green! Remember to love yourself, and then go love everybody else just for good measure!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 23 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
I just want to thank you, from my heart, for all the uplifting, compassionate responses to my post yesterday. I think it is important to tell our stories. First, so that we ourselves can have our testimony and feel that victory of overcoming:
I thought I was broken, but I can heal.
I thought I was worthless, and now I know my own worth as a precious, cherished child of God.
I had a river of rage; now in its place run healing streams of acceptance, forgiveness and strength.
I thought that I was a lost cause; but now I know I am never lost, I can always find my way home.
I also wanted to tell my story because there are a lot of walking wounded all around us. You might not be able to see the scars, but they are there. If you also experienced abuse, from a parent, from a lover or a spouse; if someone who was supposed to love you and cherish you instead betrayed that sacred responsibility and hurt you, please know this, from my heart: It isn't your fault. No matter what they tell you, it just isn't. You are precious. You are worthy. You are lovable. And you are not broken, you can heal. You can get past it and go on to create a beautiful life. Never give up. Know that there is love enough: even for this. Even for you. And I will not fail to notice that your loving is a miracle. I love you.
What Day I'm On: 23 out of 40, 57% percent of the way
How's It Going: Still slogging along. I would really like some solid food! lol Even a green smoothie would be great. The aromas of foods wafting and torturing my olefactory system is the hardest. I really wish that I were in a position that I did not have to prepare food for anyone else. You could argue that my kids are teenagers, very capable of making their own food. But I view choosing and preparing their food as an act of love. I like planning it out, anticipating how much they are going to enjoy it, and thinking about all the great nutrition I am giving them. They tell me how much they appreciate it too. I spend a lot of time away from them, working; making their meals is a small way for me to nurture them and connect with them on a daily basis. Plus, I don't want to make this juice feast a huge "thing" and be all diva about it. "I have to be excused from all my responsibilities! I'm fasting, you know!" Still, I won't lie; it is hard. That just makes the victory all the sweeter!
Detox? Itching on my torso. Wondering if it could be from any of my supplements? Or just detox? Hmmm...a mystery! It's not fun but it's totally bearable. I have little pimple-like cysts in my underarms. Progress! I used to get huge boils, bigger than a half-dollar and hugely painful. Now, just wee little bumps that don't bother me.
Now I am wondering about the wisdom of cataloging my detox symptoms. I started doing it just to observe and document to give myself evidence that detox was happening--proof that what I am doing is working and worth it. But if we know that what you focus on expands--well, I don't want a healing crisis expansion! Thoughts? Do I continue? Is there value in it?
Emotional Detox? I think we've had just about enough of that for one week. I'm heading back to the shallow end of the pool for now!
Inspiration: This is a new category I'm adding because it so exciting for me to see, as I am moving the junk OUT, and clearing a path, what is coming IN. I am waking up in the middle of the night again, not because of anxiety attacks, but because I am getting such awesome ideas I just have to get them down. I am definitely writing a book! It is writing itself--it is fun and not a fight to get it down. I am in the flow! I wish I could "flow" and still manage 7 hrs of sleep, though. :)
Another thought: Yesterday, I was driving Nora to her job and all of the sudden, smoke or steam (don't know which one yet, but I'm rooting for steam!) started just pouring out from under my hood! I managed to get her to work and me back to work (I was only a couple of blocks away, so I risked it.) I got it towed home. This is my 3rd episode of car repairs this year! Is someone trying to tell me to walk more and take the bus?! lol
A new car is out of the question. Not happening. I don't even know how I'm going to afford to repair this one. Again. Why do cars always have such great timing?!
I have to have a working car because Joe starts rehearsing for the fall show. He has been doing community theatre since he was 8 yrs old. He's a really talented comedic actor and was an excellent dancer before his operation put him out of commission for a year. Even knowing that he was having surgery, the directors invited him to be a part of their "Elite Travel Troupe" (that's really what its called, lol) and he will be performing at the International Youth Festival in Aberdeen, Scotland next year. Anyway, the bus doesn't go by where we rehearse and anyway, sometimes rehearsal goes to 11 pm or later. Not a great time to take an hour or more bus trip! So I guess I will give up my fantasies of losing my mechanic's number. At least I'm helping someone finance his summer home! lol
I thought I was broken, but I can heal.
I thought I was worthless, and now I know my own worth as a precious, cherished child of God.
I had a river of rage; now in its place run healing streams of acceptance, forgiveness and strength.
I thought that I was a lost cause; but now I know I am never lost, I can always find my way home.
I also wanted to tell my story because there are a lot of walking wounded all around us. You might not be able to see the scars, but they are there. If you also experienced abuse, from a parent, from a lover or a spouse; if someone who was supposed to love you and cherish you instead betrayed that sacred responsibility and hurt you, please know this, from my heart: It isn't your fault. No matter what they tell you, it just isn't. You are precious. You are worthy. You are lovable. And you are not broken, you can heal. You can get past it and go on to create a beautiful life. Never give up. Know that there is love enough: even for this. Even for you. And I will not fail to notice that your loving is a miracle. I love you.
What Day I'm On: 23 out of 40, 57% percent of the way
How's It Going: Still slogging along. I would really like some solid food! lol Even a green smoothie would be great. The aromas of foods wafting and torturing my olefactory system is the hardest. I really wish that I were in a position that I did not have to prepare food for anyone else. You could argue that my kids are teenagers, very capable of making their own food. But I view choosing and preparing their food as an act of love. I like planning it out, anticipating how much they are going to enjoy it, and thinking about all the great nutrition I am giving them. They tell me how much they appreciate it too. I spend a lot of time away from them, working; making their meals is a small way for me to nurture them and connect with them on a daily basis. Plus, I don't want to make this juice feast a huge "thing" and be all diva about it. "I have to be excused from all my responsibilities! I'm fasting, you know!" Still, I won't lie; it is hard. That just makes the victory all the sweeter!
Detox? Itching on my torso. Wondering if it could be from any of my supplements? Or just detox? Hmmm...a mystery! It's not fun but it's totally bearable. I have little pimple-like cysts in my underarms. Progress! I used to get huge boils, bigger than a half-dollar and hugely painful. Now, just wee little bumps that don't bother me.
Now I am wondering about the wisdom of cataloging my detox symptoms. I started doing it just to observe and document to give myself evidence that detox was happening--proof that what I am doing is working and worth it. But if we know that what you focus on expands--well, I don't want a healing crisis expansion! Thoughts? Do I continue? Is there value in it?
Emotional Detox? I think we've had just about enough of that for one week. I'm heading back to the shallow end of the pool for now!
Inspiration: This is a new category I'm adding because it so exciting for me to see, as I am moving the junk OUT, and clearing a path, what is coming IN. I am waking up in the middle of the night again, not because of anxiety attacks, but because I am getting such awesome ideas I just have to get them down. I am definitely writing a book! It is writing itself--it is fun and not a fight to get it down. I am in the flow! I wish I could "flow" and still manage 7 hrs of sleep, though. :)
Another thought: Yesterday, I was driving Nora to her job and all of the sudden, smoke or steam (don't know which one yet, but I'm rooting for steam!) started just pouring out from under my hood! I managed to get her to work and me back to work (I was only a couple of blocks away, so I risked it.) I got it towed home. This is my 3rd episode of car repairs this year! Is someone trying to tell me to walk more and take the bus?! lol
A new car is out of the question. Not happening. I don't even know how I'm going to afford to repair this one. Again. Why do cars always have such great timing?!
I have to have a working car because Joe starts rehearsing for the fall show. He has been doing community theatre since he was 8 yrs old. He's a really talented comedic actor and was an excellent dancer before his operation put him out of commission for a year. Even knowing that he was having surgery, the directors invited him to be a part of their "Elite Travel Troupe" (that's really what its called, lol) and he will be performing at the International Youth Festival in Aberdeen, Scotland next year. Anyway, the bus doesn't go by where we rehearse and anyway, sometimes rehearsal goes to 11 pm or later. Not a great time to take an hour or more bus trip! So I guess I will give up my fantasies of losing my mechanic's number. At least I'm helping someone finance his summer home! lol
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 22 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
Wow! I really want to thank everyone for giving me your opinions on which dress to wear to the International Day of Juice Feasting! I am taking all of the advice to heart. I am glowing with all the sweet things people said! *squee!* Thanks guys! I love you too! As of right now, the Little Black Dress is winning. I feel great about that--I love that dress. Honestly, I love them all. It is really fun to get everyone's opinion on your clothes!
Today, I am going deep, and it's all Penni's fault. lol First, she made a beautiful video that made me cry (at work, hee, I was sneaking and watching because I couldn't wait to get home) Then, she asked me this:
What lies have you been told throughout your life (that you have agreed with) about who you REALLY are?
I had, what you might call, a rough start. My mom got married to my dad because they were teen sweethearts and he was going off to Vietnam. She got pregnant with my sister on her honeymoon (no lie, good Catholic couple those two) and then, a couple of years later, I was a result of the homecoming celebration. But that was about all the celebrating that happened in that marriage--my father came home from Vietnam a very different person than he left. He was "deeply screwed up" was all Mom would say, and I would later find out that he had been unfaithful, developed a problem with alcohol, gambling, and was unable and/or unwilling to try to get a job, and those he got, he didn't have for long. They were divorced by the time I was 2 months old. Mom says she would have gotten one sooner but the courts wouldn't let you divorce while pregnant because they wanted to establish paternity and didn't want to put the stigma of an "out-of-wedlock" birth on the child.
So my mom was a single mom with two little girls. She worked as a waitress and bartender to support us, and we spent a lot of time with a babysitter. That particular babysitter, that we had till I was 5 yrs old, was a 300+ lb woman who already had 8 kids of her own, and was taking care of her mentally ill schizophrenic husband. I really don't know why Mom chose this situation for us. Maybe she didn't have a lot of choices. Maybe she thought that this woman had so much experience with kids. In any case, the babysitter was very abusive toward my sister and I.
I don't remember a whole lot of the details, since I was so little. I do have vivid memories of being spanked with a belt, and punished by having to sit on a super hot radiator grate when I did something wrong. I have waffle patterned scars on the back of both thighs to this day from the burns. She would get enraged if we didn't take a nap, and I remember getting yanked out of bed and spanked for "playing possum." This led to years of sleep problems later on. I also remember that we were never allowed inside the house--that we had to stay in the yard, except to eat, like a dog that you only keep outside. I remember crushing boredom--there were no toys or anything to do. We made mud pies and played house. I remember that we snuck out of the yard all the time and went to a park across the street. Thinking back, this boggles my mind because we were unsupervised and I was 2,3, 4 yrs old at this time! My sister would have been the oldest kid and is only 3 yrs older than me. Why didn't anyone ask about the toddlers alone in a park or call the police? Why didn't they notice us playing in the sewer ditches with broken glass with no shoes on? Why didn't my mom get suspicious about all the burns on me (explained as "accidents") or that I got hysterically upset every time we had to go to the babysitter?
I want to say, right now, that I have done a lot of therapy around these issues and I have forgiven my mom, and even the babysitter. There are no excuses; there is only what happened, and acceptance. I who have been covered by grace, and forgiven of so much, cannot refuse to forgive and give that grace to my mother, who is deeply, deeply sorrowful about what happened. As for the babysitter, she has passed away, and I let those sad days pass with her. I won't let that situation hurt me anymore.
I bring this up because I believe, somewhere, back there, when I was just tiny, I decided that "Big people hurt little people." And I didn't want to be little, or vulnerable, any more. I started padding myself with armor; cushioning life's blows with fat, and turning to food for comfort.
When I was home alone, for hours, after school from 2nd grade on, I'd binge and watch Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch until half an hour before my parents got home; then fly around like a banshee and get all my chores done before they got there. No one checked if I had done my homework. No one ever knew if I took a bath or asked if I brushed my teeth. I was a feral child in most ways. The person who raised me, really, besides myself, was my older sister. I was a very laid-back, lazy kid. I drove her absolutely insane. She was responsible for the house; if I didn't get my chores done, it came back on her. We had screaming matches and wounded each other with words.
At school, I was the fat kid, the pariah. I was teased, mercilessly, called every name that you can think of, names that still hurt even though I am so used to it. Kids are cruel. They are hurting, and they act out. I'd hold it together till I got home from school, then cry and stuff it all down. At school, I found some self-esteem in being the smart kid, and in performing arts. I developed a super-friendly, bubbly personality, to compensate for my weight. "Please love me! See, I'm funny! I'm smart!" I felt obnoxious and frenetic, even to myself.
When I was a teen, I was out to prove that I could get a boy to like me. Despite my size, there were a few who did, but I was so clingy and desperate they were quickly spooked. There were more boys who were happy to spend some time with a girl who only valued herself through other's acceptance, and was willing to do a whole lot for any kind of love and affection. There was a lot of guilt and shame with acting out of alignment with my spiritual beliefs. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and felt icky inside, but it didn't stop me.
The story goes on--I married a guy whom I started dating at 17, whom I could be assured would remind me of what I believed of myself: I was fat, therefore unlovable, unworthy, and I should be forever grateful that he deigned to be with me, however verbally abusive he might be. I packed on more and more weight. When I had my kids, I found the strength to get out of that situation, and found myself exactly repeating my mom's situation: married the wrong guy too young and now on my own with a two year old and a 2 wk old.
As a mom, everyone's needs can come before your own. I responded to the stress of single motherhood the same way I had learned to respond to everything: by eating. And over the years, I got bigger and bigger and bigger.
How can you begin to get real with yourself about living a life that is in alignment to who you REALLY are?
Here is where my story gets hopeful. In 1990, I went to see a hypnotherapist to try to address my weight issues. To my huge surprise, what came out in the hypnosis were all the abuse and neglect issues. My therapist, who was also a psychologist, was not surprised at all--she sees this all the time. She told me, rightly, that my real problem was self-esteem, and that I would most likely never be able to deal with my weight until I felt safe enough to let that go. We did a lot of work together, and I worked through a lot of suppressed rage and sadness. Before that, I would have told you, I was just not an angry person. I never got mad at anyone. I didn't realize that I was turning all of that angry in toward myself.
I had a lot of forgiveness work to do. Make no mistake; it is work! I actually decided to put the weight loss on a back burner while I learned to get real with my feelings, and discover who I really am, and release myself, and everyone else, from the issues of my past.
I came to love myself--warts and all. I delight in finding out what I'm good at. I can laugh at my mistakes. I am not perfect, and that's ok. I am perfectly me. I find peace and acceptance, as a precious child of God. He who has always loved me unconditionally has taught me to love myself.
Only now, that I have done this work, have I been able to overcome food addiction issues and allow God to relieve me of my compulsions. I had to believe that I deserved to have that peace, that I was worthy to build a beautiful life. I had to get out of His way so He could help me.
Fat or not, I love me. I believe in myself. I believe God gave a certain pack of gifts, just to me, and is saying, "Ok now, let's see what you can do with this!" And we are both delighted to see what that will be.
Today, I am going deep, and it's all Penni's fault. lol First, she made a beautiful video that made me cry (at work, hee, I was sneaking and watching because I couldn't wait to get home) Then, she asked me this:
What lies have you been told throughout your life (that you have agreed with) about who you REALLY are?
I had, what you might call, a rough start. My mom got married to my dad because they were teen sweethearts and he was going off to Vietnam. She got pregnant with my sister on her honeymoon (no lie, good Catholic couple those two) and then, a couple of years later, I was a result of the homecoming celebration. But that was about all the celebrating that happened in that marriage--my father came home from Vietnam a very different person than he left. He was "deeply screwed up" was all Mom would say, and I would later find out that he had been unfaithful, developed a problem with alcohol, gambling, and was unable and/or unwilling to try to get a job, and those he got, he didn't have for long. They were divorced by the time I was 2 months old. Mom says she would have gotten one sooner but the courts wouldn't let you divorce while pregnant because they wanted to establish paternity and didn't want to put the stigma of an "out-of-wedlock" birth on the child.
So my mom was a single mom with two little girls. She worked as a waitress and bartender to support us, and we spent a lot of time with a babysitter. That particular babysitter, that we had till I was 5 yrs old, was a 300+ lb woman who already had 8 kids of her own, and was taking care of her mentally ill schizophrenic husband. I really don't know why Mom chose this situation for us. Maybe she didn't have a lot of choices. Maybe she thought that this woman had so much experience with kids. In any case, the babysitter was very abusive toward my sister and I.
I don't remember a whole lot of the details, since I was so little. I do have vivid memories of being spanked with a belt, and punished by having to sit on a super hot radiator grate when I did something wrong. I have waffle patterned scars on the back of both thighs to this day from the burns. She would get enraged if we didn't take a nap, and I remember getting yanked out of bed and spanked for "playing possum." This led to years of sleep problems later on. I also remember that we were never allowed inside the house--that we had to stay in the yard, except to eat, like a dog that you only keep outside. I remember crushing boredom--there were no toys or anything to do. We made mud pies and played house. I remember that we snuck out of the yard all the time and went to a park across the street. Thinking back, this boggles my mind because we were unsupervised and I was 2,3, 4 yrs old at this time! My sister would have been the oldest kid and is only 3 yrs older than me. Why didn't anyone ask about the toddlers alone in a park or call the police? Why didn't they notice us playing in the sewer ditches with broken glass with no shoes on? Why didn't my mom get suspicious about all the burns on me (explained as "accidents") or that I got hysterically upset every time we had to go to the babysitter?
I want to say, right now, that I have done a lot of therapy around these issues and I have forgiven my mom, and even the babysitter. There are no excuses; there is only what happened, and acceptance. I who have been covered by grace, and forgiven of so much, cannot refuse to forgive and give that grace to my mother, who is deeply, deeply sorrowful about what happened. As for the babysitter, she has passed away, and I let those sad days pass with her. I won't let that situation hurt me anymore.
I bring this up because I believe, somewhere, back there, when I was just tiny, I decided that "Big people hurt little people." And I didn't want to be little, or vulnerable, any more. I started padding myself with armor; cushioning life's blows with fat, and turning to food for comfort.
When I was home alone, for hours, after school from 2nd grade on, I'd binge and watch Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch until half an hour before my parents got home; then fly around like a banshee and get all my chores done before they got there. No one checked if I had done my homework. No one ever knew if I took a bath or asked if I brushed my teeth. I was a feral child in most ways. The person who raised me, really, besides myself, was my older sister. I was a very laid-back, lazy kid. I drove her absolutely insane. She was responsible for the house; if I didn't get my chores done, it came back on her. We had screaming matches and wounded each other with words.
At school, I was the fat kid, the pariah. I was teased, mercilessly, called every name that you can think of, names that still hurt even though I am so used to it. Kids are cruel. They are hurting, and they act out. I'd hold it together till I got home from school, then cry and stuff it all down. At school, I found some self-esteem in being the smart kid, and in performing arts. I developed a super-friendly, bubbly personality, to compensate for my weight. "Please love me! See, I'm funny! I'm smart!" I felt obnoxious and frenetic, even to myself.
When I was a teen, I was out to prove that I could get a boy to like me. Despite my size, there were a few who did, but I was so clingy and desperate they were quickly spooked. There were more boys who were happy to spend some time with a girl who only valued herself through other's acceptance, and was willing to do a whole lot for any kind of love and affection. There was a lot of guilt and shame with acting out of alignment with my spiritual beliefs. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and felt icky inside, but it didn't stop me.
The story goes on--I married a guy whom I started dating at 17, whom I could be assured would remind me of what I believed of myself: I was fat, therefore unlovable, unworthy, and I should be forever grateful that he deigned to be with me, however verbally abusive he might be. I packed on more and more weight. When I had my kids, I found the strength to get out of that situation, and found myself exactly repeating my mom's situation: married the wrong guy too young and now on my own with a two year old and a 2 wk old.
As a mom, everyone's needs can come before your own. I responded to the stress of single motherhood the same way I had learned to respond to everything: by eating. And over the years, I got bigger and bigger and bigger.
How can you begin to get real with yourself about living a life that is in alignment to who you REALLY are?
Here is where my story gets hopeful. In 1990, I went to see a hypnotherapist to try to address my weight issues. To my huge surprise, what came out in the hypnosis were all the abuse and neglect issues. My therapist, who was also a psychologist, was not surprised at all--she sees this all the time. She told me, rightly, that my real problem was self-esteem, and that I would most likely never be able to deal with my weight until I felt safe enough to let that go. We did a lot of work together, and I worked through a lot of suppressed rage and sadness. Before that, I would have told you, I was just not an angry person. I never got mad at anyone. I didn't realize that I was turning all of that angry in toward myself.
I had a lot of forgiveness work to do. Make no mistake; it is work! I actually decided to put the weight loss on a back burner while I learned to get real with my feelings, and discover who I really am, and release myself, and everyone else, from the issues of my past.
I came to love myself--warts and all. I delight in finding out what I'm good at. I can laugh at my mistakes. I am not perfect, and that's ok. I am perfectly me. I find peace and acceptance, as a precious child of God. He who has always loved me unconditionally has taught me to love myself.
Only now, that I have done this work, have I been able to overcome food addiction issues and allow God to relieve me of my compulsions. I had to believe that I deserved to have that peace, that I was worthy to build a beautiful life. I had to get out of His way so He could help me.
Fat or not, I love me. I believe in myself. I believe God gave a certain pack of gifts, just to me, and is saying, "Ok now, let's see what you can do with this!" And we are both delighted to see what that will be.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 21 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
When I first met Dave, The Raw Food Trucker, and decided to undertake this juice feast, he invited me to a great event that he puts on every year: The International Day of Juice Feasting. This year it's going to be in Seattle at the Lucky Ladies on September 12, from noon to 4. Can't get to Seattle? You can still join me and Dave and several hundred of our closest friends by streaming it live on your computer! All the other details are in the events section here on RFR.
Ever since I found out that I was going to carpool with the fabulous Annette to the event, I have been thinking about what I should wear. As I said in my post yesterday, I haven't really gotten too many new clothes, but the ones I have gotten are all "my favorite." I have firmly resolved that I would rather go starkers than wear stuff I hate, just because it fits, any more. I've narrowed my choices down to three dresses. Since I can't decide, I'm going to let you do it!
These are not the best pictures; my daughter snapped them quickly in the two minutes between her activities yesterday. So ignore the goofy looks on my face and tell me which dress to say yes to:
First, the red one:
I like the color and the geometric design. It is also very comfy and would be good for a long drive and busy day.
Next, the print one:
Ha ha I love the dorky expression on my face and the fact that my cat Hannibal is just determined to be famous on RFR! That's his tail on the left. Ok, back to the dress, this is my daughter's favorite. It is very "me" in many ways: I love hot pink, I love prints, I love flowers, and it is made of that slinky stuff that packs and travels so well without getting all wrinkled. It is also really comfy. See why I can't decide?
Ok, last one: The Little Black Dress
I think this one is really flattering to my curves, and goes nicely with cat, don't you think? This is Hannibal's favorite, since it matches his fur. I usually think you can't go wrong with black, but I don't want to look like I'm at a funeral. This one is also made of slinky stuff and is very packable, wearable, and won't wrinkle on the long drive.
Ok, it's up to you! Vote for which one you prefer and why in the comments! May the best dress win!
What Day I'm On: 21 out of 40, officially "more than half-way there!"
How's It Going? Yesterday was SO MUCH BETTER. I felt good, except for aches and pains from exercising. Normally I would just pop some ibuprofen and knock out those bad boys, but I was proud of myself for not giving in and just limping through it. But the dizziness and light headedness? Gone! Of all things, we (the nurse at the Nurse Treatment Room) and I think it was low blood sugar. That makes some sense because I wasn't drinking enough juice, only 2.5 quarts or so, and the juice I'd been making was super low glycemic. The combination of just not enough calories for too many days in a row, combined with working out, made my blood sugar go too low.
So yesterday, I made absolutely sure to get 4 full quarts of juice in me, and not to wait more than 3 hours in between them. The difference was like night and day. Just in case, I got my blood pressure taken by the nurse. Completely unmedicated, my BP was 110/70, unheard of for a short woman who still weighs almost 300 lbs. I was so happy, and thrilled that I don't have to go back to the blood pressure medication I was taking prior to the juice feast. (I believe in taking meds if you need them; I just don't want to need them anymore!)
On the advice of my chiropractor (lol, hi Sheryl!) and the lovely Penni, and oh, pretty much all of you, I am going to add in some fruit juice. Yay! I am so excited! I don't want to add too much--but now I am really excited about which one to try! I have a lot of nectarines and some watermelon--doesn't that sound delicious?! I am still going to drink lots of green juice, but I don't want to have any more low blood sugars. That is a very yucky feeling that I don't want to duplicate!
Detox? Today I am itchy all over, mostly my torso. I haven't changed any products I use, laundry or personal, so I am thinking detox. It's annoying but I'm going to put some coconut oil on it and ignore it! My dry skin brushing feels great, though!
Emotional Detox? Penni's posts are really stirring the pot, bringing so much to the surface. I want to really spend some time on that, but I am running out of time today and think I will go there tomorrow.
It feels like I am always making juice! Remember the old Dunkin' Donuts commercial? "Time to make the donuts!" (time to make them and throw them away! dangerous at any speed, those!) Well it's time to make the juice!
Don't forget to vote: Say Yes To The Dress! Which one should Mallory choose? The Red One, The Print One, or the Little Black Dress?
Ever since I found out that I was going to carpool with the fabulous Annette to the event, I have been thinking about what I should wear. As I said in my post yesterday, I haven't really gotten too many new clothes, but the ones I have gotten are all "my favorite." I have firmly resolved that I would rather go starkers than wear stuff I hate, just because it fits, any more. I've narrowed my choices down to three dresses. Since I can't decide, I'm going to let you do it!
These are not the best pictures; my daughter snapped them quickly in the two minutes between her activities yesterday. So ignore the goofy looks on my face and tell me which dress to say yes to:
First, the red one:
I like the color and the geometric design. It is also very comfy and would be good for a long drive and busy day.
Next, the print one:
Ha ha I love the dorky expression on my face and the fact that my cat Hannibal is just determined to be famous on RFR! That's his tail on the left. Ok, back to the dress, this is my daughter's favorite. It is very "me" in many ways: I love hot pink, I love prints, I love flowers, and it is made of that slinky stuff that packs and travels so well without getting all wrinkled. It is also really comfy. See why I can't decide?
Ok, last one: The Little Black Dress
I think this one is really flattering to my curves, and goes nicely with cat, don't you think? This is Hannibal's favorite, since it matches his fur. I usually think you can't go wrong with black, but I don't want to look like I'm at a funeral. This one is also made of slinky stuff and is very packable, wearable, and won't wrinkle on the long drive.
Ok, it's up to you! Vote for which one you prefer and why in the comments! May the best dress win!
What Day I'm On: 21 out of 40, officially "more than half-way there!"
How's It Going? Yesterday was SO MUCH BETTER. I felt good, except for aches and pains from exercising. Normally I would just pop some ibuprofen and knock out those bad boys, but I was proud of myself for not giving in and just limping through it. But the dizziness and light headedness? Gone! Of all things, we (the nurse at the Nurse Treatment Room) and I think it was low blood sugar. That makes some sense because I wasn't drinking enough juice, only 2.5 quarts or so, and the juice I'd been making was super low glycemic. The combination of just not enough calories for too many days in a row, combined with working out, made my blood sugar go too low.
So yesterday, I made absolutely sure to get 4 full quarts of juice in me, and not to wait more than 3 hours in between them. The difference was like night and day. Just in case, I got my blood pressure taken by the nurse. Completely unmedicated, my BP was 110/70, unheard of for a short woman who still weighs almost 300 lbs. I was so happy, and thrilled that I don't have to go back to the blood pressure medication I was taking prior to the juice feast. (I believe in taking meds if you need them; I just don't want to need them anymore!)
On the advice of my chiropractor (lol, hi Sheryl!) and the lovely Penni, and oh, pretty much all of you, I am going to add in some fruit juice. Yay! I am so excited! I don't want to add too much--but now I am really excited about which one to try! I have a lot of nectarines and some watermelon--doesn't that sound delicious?! I am still going to drink lots of green juice, but I don't want to have any more low blood sugars. That is a very yucky feeling that I don't want to duplicate!
Detox? Today I am itchy all over, mostly my torso. I haven't changed any products I use, laundry or personal, so I am thinking detox. It's annoying but I'm going to put some coconut oil on it and ignore it! My dry skin brushing feels great, though!
Emotional Detox? Penni's posts are really stirring the pot, bringing so much to the surface. I want to really spend some time on that, but I am running out of time today and think I will go there tomorrow.
It feels like I am always making juice! Remember the old Dunkin' Donuts commercial? "Time to make the donuts!" (time to make them and throw them away! dangerous at any speed, those!) Well it's time to make the juice!
Don't forget to vote: Say Yes To The Dress! Which one should Mallory choose? The Red One, The Print One, or the Little Black Dress?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 20 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
What Day I'm On: 20 out of 40--halfway home!
I am love, love, loving the Penni's discussions right now around fortitude. If you read the comments in the Bravery post, you know how incredible it has been. Such bravery! Such amazing people hanging out on this website. And I realize, once again, how flippin' lucky I am! You never really know what people are going through in their lives. Juice feasting brings things up: good stuff, bad stuff, it just stirs the pot and brings it all to the surface. I will tell you though, after reading those posts, it will be really hard for me to have a "poor me" moment again. If you're blessed, and you know it, clap your hands! (clap! clap!)
How's It Going? Team: Help me solve the mystery! Ok, yesterday was not so good. I felt spacey and weird. Maybe a little light-headed. It was not great timing because I was at work all day. Nora has daily doubles all this week (she is captain of the dance team at school) so I didn't wake her up to come work out with me. She has a tendency to over-train anyway, and dancing for 3 hrs a day for 2 wks solid is enough for anyone! Since yesterday was a cardio-only day for me, (I do weights on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday) I decided I would just do it at work. I work across from a huge park and we also have an employee gym, so I was set.
I was walking outside, listening to my praise music, like I do, for about half an hour. Then it got too hot (over 90 and no breeze) so I went inside to the air-conditioned gym. I didn't have work out clothes on--I was wearing a dress and dress shoes, so I kicked off my shoes and walked on the treadmill barefoot. That was a mistake. After about 20 min, I could feel a lot of pain in my heel--I have had plantar facaiitis in the past and I knew exactly what it was. I finished working out, took a quick sponge bath (wash all the creases!) and went back to work. (Today, it is still sore so I am adding ginger to my juice.)
That's when the spacey thing happened. I drank lots of water, thinking I might have gotten dehydrated. That helped, but not much. I lay down in the break room at break. Again, it helped, but not enough. It was scary and I wonder what it was. Any experienced juice feasters ever have this? My juice always has celery in it because I know you need the natural sodium. I've only been drinking about 2.5 quarts of low-glycemic veggie juice. Could I not be getting enough calories?
My biggest suspicion, other than some detox going on, is my blood pressure is whack. I am off of all bp meds for well, 20 days now. I am going to go get that checked today at work. It felt like LOW blood pressure to me, though, not high. (High usually has no symptoms.) 'Tis curious!
Advice From Dave: Dave asked me what size I am wearing, and I told him, truthfully, I don't really know, because I am mostly wearing my old clothes. Like, my 113 lbs ago clothes. He laughed and said he did the same thing on the way down. He said often on a juice feast you take off weight so rapidly that it is best to wait until it's over to buy new clothes. He just pokes another hole in his belt and makes sure his pants don't fall down!
I have been slowly getting new things, at second hand shops, but I do need to stop wearing my old clothes. They swim on me, as you can imagine, and the neck holes always show my bra strap (classy!) and I because my belly doesn't tent them out as far, all my dresses are getting longer and longer till I look like I'm wearing a formal gown. lol
I am realizing that I have been holding onto them because of that fear that I spoke about yesterday, the one where all the weight returns and I have nothing to wear because I got rid of all the big clothes. This actually happened to me once before: In 1990, I took off 125 lbs (sheer will power, white-knuckling it the whole way because I hadn't learned to deal with my Brat or gotten right with God) and over time, I just lost momentum. I felt like I had been hanging off a cliff holding on by my fingertips and my hands just started to slip. I started binging again and the weight came back, and I had given all my bigger clothes away.
I am also wearing the big clothes, because I have not quite accepted that I am getting smaller. The first 50 lbs or so, I really didn't look any different. Even now, there's not a huge change visually--I am smaller all around, but in the same proportions. I only have TWO chins, now, though! lol My face looks a lot slimmer. :)
But the longer I do this, I realize, it is time to let those clothes bless someone else. I am not that girl any more. I can not see me living her life. I have changed in a fundamental way. I have changed my mind, and God has changed my heart. I can honestly say, I no longer want that food that was killing me. He has relieved me of that compulsion, because I asked Him to, believing He could, and He answered my prayer. I have to do my part, but I give Him all the glory.
So, no more hording big clothes, and for Pete's sake, no more wearing them! (I apologize for not showing you pictures of my dresses I am considering wearing to the International Day of Juice Feasting on Sept 12. My photographer, Nora, has been hanging with her girls (last hurrah before back to school for her senior year) and gotten home late and then yesterday, I was not up to playing fashion show. Probably tomorrow!) Love you guys! Smootches!
I am love, love, loving the Penni's discussions right now around fortitude. If you read the comments in the Bravery post, you know how incredible it has been. Such bravery! Such amazing people hanging out on this website. And I realize, once again, how flippin' lucky I am! You never really know what people are going through in their lives. Juice feasting brings things up: good stuff, bad stuff, it just stirs the pot and brings it all to the surface. I will tell you though, after reading those posts, it will be really hard for me to have a "poor me" moment again. If you're blessed, and you know it, clap your hands! (clap! clap!)
How's It Going? Team: Help me solve the mystery! Ok, yesterday was not so good. I felt spacey and weird. Maybe a little light-headed. It was not great timing because I was at work all day. Nora has daily doubles all this week (she is captain of the dance team at school) so I didn't wake her up to come work out with me. She has a tendency to over-train anyway, and dancing for 3 hrs a day for 2 wks solid is enough for anyone! Since yesterday was a cardio-only day for me, (I do weights on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday) I decided I would just do it at work. I work across from a huge park and we also have an employee gym, so I was set.
I was walking outside, listening to my praise music, like I do, for about half an hour. Then it got too hot (over 90 and no breeze) so I went inside to the air-conditioned gym. I didn't have work out clothes on--I was wearing a dress and dress shoes, so I kicked off my shoes and walked on the treadmill barefoot. That was a mistake. After about 20 min, I could feel a lot of pain in my heel--I have had plantar facaiitis in the past and I knew exactly what it was. I finished working out, took a quick sponge bath (wash all the creases!) and went back to work. (Today, it is still sore so I am adding ginger to my juice.)
That's when the spacey thing happened. I drank lots of water, thinking I might have gotten dehydrated. That helped, but not much. I lay down in the break room at break. Again, it helped, but not enough. It was scary and I wonder what it was. Any experienced juice feasters ever have this? My juice always has celery in it because I know you need the natural sodium. I've only been drinking about 2.5 quarts of low-glycemic veggie juice. Could I not be getting enough calories?
My biggest suspicion, other than some detox going on, is my blood pressure is whack. I am off of all bp meds for well, 20 days now. I am going to go get that checked today at work. It felt like LOW blood pressure to me, though, not high. (High usually has no symptoms.) 'Tis curious!
Advice From Dave: Dave asked me what size I am wearing, and I told him, truthfully, I don't really know, because I am mostly wearing my old clothes. Like, my 113 lbs ago clothes. He laughed and said he did the same thing on the way down. He said often on a juice feast you take off weight so rapidly that it is best to wait until it's over to buy new clothes. He just pokes another hole in his belt and makes sure his pants don't fall down!
I have been slowly getting new things, at second hand shops, but I do need to stop wearing my old clothes. They swim on me, as you can imagine, and the neck holes always show my bra strap (classy!) and I because my belly doesn't tent them out as far, all my dresses are getting longer and longer till I look like I'm wearing a formal gown. lol
I am realizing that I have been holding onto them because of that fear that I spoke about yesterday, the one where all the weight returns and I have nothing to wear because I got rid of all the big clothes. This actually happened to me once before: In 1990, I took off 125 lbs (sheer will power, white-knuckling it the whole way because I hadn't learned to deal with my Brat or gotten right with God) and over time, I just lost momentum. I felt like I had been hanging off a cliff holding on by my fingertips and my hands just started to slip. I started binging again and the weight came back, and I had given all my bigger clothes away.
I am also wearing the big clothes, because I have not quite accepted that I am getting smaller. The first 50 lbs or so, I really didn't look any different. Even now, there's not a huge change visually--I am smaller all around, but in the same proportions. I only have TWO chins, now, though! lol My face looks a lot slimmer. :)
But the longer I do this, I realize, it is time to let those clothes bless someone else. I am not that girl any more. I can not see me living her life. I have changed in a fundamental way. I have changed my mind, and God has changed my heart. I can honestly say, I no longer want that food that was killing me. He has relieved me of that compulsion, because I asked Him to, believing He could, and He answered my prayer. I have to do my part, but I give Him all the glory.
So, no more hording big clothes, and for Pete's sake, no more wearing them! (I apologize for not showing you pictures of my dresses I am considering wearing to the International Day of Juice Feasting on Sept 12. My photographer, Nora, has been hanging with her girls (last hurrah before back to school for her senior year) and gotten home late and then yesterday, I was not up to playing fashion show. Probably tomorrow!) Love you guys! Smootches!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 19 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
I don't know what possessed me to write about my juice feast as my Facebook status. I guess I thought maybe I could spread the good word and make someone get intrigued. The response has mostly been positive, some of it funny. One guy that I've known since second grade but have not been close to asked, "do hops count?" as in beer. lol He always was hilarious! I've only gotten one, "oh that's dangerous" type of response, from someone I know only through my sister. The irony is, this lady chose to have a gastric bypass. I support anyone who decides to go that route, because I know it's tough, but oh my zebra, talk about dangerous. That is a life-threatening operation. This is a few weeks of highly nutritious veggie juice. Again, I'm kinda wishing I could take back that status...I'm not sure my wider circle is ready for a health-nut Mallory. They are used to fast-food train wreck Mallory. Another Facebook friend asked how I could possibly stay on just juice and I answered, "I can do all things through Christ." So bam! I'm coming out as not just a health nut but a Christian one to boot, lol. Also will be quite the surprise for people who grew up with me and only knew me in my er, "wild youth"! Now I'm laughing 'cuz the cat's out of the pajamas now!
I'm having a tough time getting in 4 quarts of juice a day. Sometimes I can only manage 2. The juice does not taste *as* bad to me, but let's just say, I'm not going to be serving cucumber/kale at my next party. I've definitely gotten used to it. I really like it best when it has a base of mostly tomatoes.
I am finally getting that surge of energy people talk about. Yesterday, I had a "power surge" on the treadmill. I walked faster than I ever have before, and felt great! I even questioned if the treadmill speed gauge was accurate, and changed to another one. But no, it was me! I was cruising right along, a good half a mile faster than normal, and feeling awesome, hardly even got winded.
I am still having an end-of-day crash, when I get super tired right around when it is time to come home, make the kids' dinner, get my chores done, etc. I tried drinking more juice at that time, and it helped somewhat. I'll try that again today.
What Day I'm On: 19 out of 40--almost half-way!
How It's Going: I've really got a lot of peace around it: This is what I am doing. It is not forever, and it is doing me a world of good. This is like crazy extreme self-care: I am spending money on me. I am spending time on me. Those are the single-mom's most precious commodities. I am treating myself with the loving kindness I would lavish on my precious child. That includes loving limits too.
Detox? Not really.
Emotional Detox: Just feeling like I'm standing naked in the school yard because I am coming out to the world. It sounds funny, but I feel pretty vulnerable, even about the weight loss. Being huge, ironically, makes you kind of invisible. Any big change brings a lot of a attention. I'm embarrassed because I've taken off more than 100 lbs and I still have 150 to go. I don't mention the "150 more" part, but still, people look at me and do the math in their head and gasp. I don't mention the number of pounds off unless people press. I get the feeling people have no idea what people really weigh. I immediately apologize, "I've taken off over a hundred but I have a long, long way to go." Like, "don't worry! I know I'm still fat!" Honestly, how DID I ever let it get so bad? All I can say is that I left my Brat home alone, and she really trashed the place. I don't know if I can ever really trust myself not to go back there. It's a shadow that looms over me. Promise you won't let me?!
Advice From Penni: I've not talked with Dave (I've called and texted but I believe he's either on the road or crazy busy with the event he's coordinating.) No worries--I know he's got my back. He says I don't need as much hand-holding as most people. Little does he know, I've got all of you to hold my hand! So I am going to point out one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from Penni: If you look for explanations for why your life is screwed up, you will find them. You may determine it's because of your child hood, because of abuse issues, because you have a compulsive nature, it's a disease, you have health issues, yadda yadda yadda. These may all be legit, but they have one thing in common: knowing WHY will never serve you if you let it be an excuse not to change. We all have baggage. We all have a burden we carry and a history. Use that energy to get OUT of the hole, not to figure out HOW you got there. You got there, because at some point, you gave YOURSELF permission to be there. Revoke that permission! Get the best you back in charge. As long as you love your pain more than you love yourself, you cannot grow, and it can't get better.
(ok, Penni put this much nicer and more positive, but honestly, I needed a swift kick to the rear at the time, and this is what I got out of her eloquent advice!)
I'm having a tough time getting in 4 quarts of juice a day. Sometimes I can only manage 2. The juice does not taste *as* bad to me, but let's just say, I'm not going to be serving cucumber/kale at my next party. I've definitely gotten used to it. I really like it best when it has a base of mostly tomatoes.
I am finally getting that surge of energy people talk about. Yesterday, I had a "power surge" on the treadmill. I walked faster than I ever have before, and felt great! I even questioned if the treadmill speed gauge was accurate, and changed to another one. But no, it was me! I was cruising right along, a good half a mile faster than normal, and feeling awesome, hardly even got winded.
I am still having an end-of-day crash, when I get super tired right around when it is time to come home, make the kids' dinner, get my chores done, etc. I tried drinking more juice at that time, and it helped somewhat. I'll try that again today.
What Day I'm On: 19 out of 40--almost half-way!
How It's Going: I've really got a lot of peace around it: This is what I am doing. It is not forever, and it is doing me a world of good. This is like crazy extreme self-care: I am spending money on me. I am spending time on me. Those are the single-mom's most precious commodities. I am treating myself with the loving kindness I would lavish on my precious child. That includes loving limits too.
Detox? Not really.
Emotional Detox: Just feeling like I'm standing naked in the school yard because I am coming out to the world. It sounds funny, but I feel pretty vulnerable, even about the weight loss. Being huge, ironically, makes you kind of invisible. Any big change brings a lot of a attention. I'm embarrassed because I've taken off more than 100 lbs and I still have 150 to go. I don't mention the "150 more" part, but still, people look at me and do the math in their head and gasp. I don't mention the number of pounds off unless people press. I get the feeling people have no idea what people really weigh. I immediately apologize, "I've taken off over a hundred but I have a long, long way to go." Like, "don't worry! I know I'm still fat!" Honestly, how DID I ever let it get so bad? All I can say is that I left my Brat home alone, and she really trashed the place. I don't know if I can ever really trust myself not to go back there. It's a shadow that looms over me. Promise you won't let me?!
Advice From Penni: I've not talked with Dave (I've called and texted but I believe he's either on the road or crazy busy with the event he's coordinating.) No worries--I know he's got my back. He says I don't need as much hand-holding as most people. Little does he know, I've got all of you to hold my hand! So I am going to point out one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from Penni: If you look for explanations for why your life is screwed up, you will find them. You may determine it's because of your child hood, because of abuse issues, because you have a compulsive nature, it's a disease, you have health issues, yadda yadda yadda. These may all be legit, but they have one thing in common: knowing WHY will never serve you if you let it be an excuse not to change. We all have baggage. We all have a burden we carry and a history. Use that energy to get OUT of the hole, not to figure out HOW you got there. You got there, because at some point, you gave YOURSELF permission to be there. Revoke that permission! Get the best you back in charge. As long as you love your pain more than you love yourself, you cannot grow, and it can't get better.
(ok, Penni put this much nicer and more positive, but honestly, I needed a swift kick to the rear at the time, and this is what I got out of her eloquent advice!)
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