Thursday, October 31, 2013
It's been forever since I blogged. I think that it is time to try to remedy that. Some things have changed. My kids are both in college now. I moved in with my mom to take care of her, and then she peacefully passed away in her bed. I am alone in her house with a fluffy white dog and two kitties who won't stop jumping on the counter. I am alone, but I am surrounded by her. Her wonderful sense of style and decor, her clutter of papers and books, even her medications and the night cream she used. I cannot bear to throw them out. I know she is in a place now where there is no more disease or pain, and no more even wrinkles, and yet. Everything is there, waiting for her to come back. And she won't. When last we left our heroine (moi, naturally) I was no longer raw and I was eating my face off and had gained back almost all the weight I had taken off. I was eating everything, especially crow. That is not vegan! Or pleasant. Ahem. But, right there in my blog name, is an aspiration. Live: I want to live. I don't want my life to go on without me, or worse, I don't want my life to end. I don't want to be, for all intents and purposes, a suicide. I also want to eat food that is full of life and life-giving energy. Organic: I want to eat food made by God, not Monsanto. Sometimes organic seems like a racket: "Pay us double or we'll poison your food!" But I would rather support true farmers than corporations. I would also like to forage for some of my food. Vegan: I love animals. I don't want to eat them or exploit them, not in my heart of hearts. Environmentalist: Look, if you're not an environmentalist, you're just an a-hole. It's the ultimate act of ignorance or selfishness or both to put your own need to gobble up all the resources ahead of the well-being of everyone else. The storms are coming. Superstorm Sandy was just the beginning. And when they hit, they hit everyone, the rich and the poor, the old and the young, everyone suffers. We have to share the planet and do as much as we can to undo the damage we've already done. Finally, I want to live in love. I want to practice loving kindness. (Heck, I'll just say it: I even want to BE in love some day, again. I feel really, really unloveable and like I have some nerve to even want some one to love me. That's as least as big a barrier as my size, I think. But I am afraid. Afraid I am unworthy; afraid I will be hurt.) So there it is: I set the intention to walk in love and to learn to love myself. For reals this time. I am back to vegan, mostly live, but not as militant as before. This is not my rawligeon. I am pretty much all organic, except when I eff up and eat crap. I'm going to be brutally honest. Crap eating has happened before, I have had a bad pattern for 40-some years. It could happen again. And if it does, I am not going to lie about it. I am not perfect. Far from it! Environmentalist: If I am being honest, and we just established that I am, (now) I need to work on. I drive to work; I need to go back to the bus though I loathe it. I need to use my bags and limit my trips to stores, etc. I need to recycle even more than I do, but I need to refuse more so that I have less to recycle. So my work is laid out. I need to figure some stuff out. I'm baaa-ack. Did anyone miss me?