Tuesday, March 3, 2015

When I Get My Wings

I've been restless lately. It's 2 months in, I'm steadily taking off weight (down to 335 this week, 5 lbs ahead of schedule for my goal)I tell myself, "Don't get cocky or over-confident, stay humble, stay teachable, stay disciplined and strong. You have a very long time to go and a very big mountain to climb. You've only begun to make a dent. Keep your head down and just focus on the work." I think of a caterpillar, sitting on a leaf, fat and furry, watching all the butterflies lilt past. "Will it really happen? Is it really true? Will that ever be me? I'm fat and homely and stuck down here, but one day, I have faith, I will soar, when I get my wings." It's 4th grade. My best friend at the time is named Kirstin, and she has to go. She has ballet class. Kirstin is lanky and lean. I am short and chubby. I dance all the time. I am incapable of walking from the kitchen to the living room without waltzing. I want dance lessons too. My mom says, "Dance lessons are expensive." "I have to work, there's no way to get you there." I explain that Kirstin's mom can drive me. Finally, "You're never going to be a ballerina." She's right. Still I hound Kirstin after she comes home from her lessons: show me what you learned. I want to try. She shows me the foot and arm positions. She teaches me the dance they've been doing. I even do the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy in the Nutcracker play at school. I am a dancing teddy bear. Chubby and short but I dance with joy, I feel the music move me. It has been many years since I've danced around my house. I don't even remember when I stopped. My body started hurting and it just finally fell away. When I get my new body, I am going to take lessons. I am going to dance around the kitchen again. I'm going to be free and move as the Spirit moves me, when I get my wings. I'm in junior high/high school/college and I see my best friend Holly/Debby/Stephanie meeting guys and feeling confident and pretty. I am the sassy funny one, the fat friend that makes the pretty girl even prettier. They go on hay rides and camping and dancing and hikes, or a thousand other fun but physical outdoor activities. Sometimes I try to participate and I am scary red faced girl who huff and wheezes. Other times, unable to keep up, I stay behind. I make dang sure to not let anyone know if I think a guy is cute. It's better not to want what you don't think you can have. One day, I will dare to be vulnerable. One day I will be fit and go camping and canoeing and kayaking and hiking. I'm going to splash in the ocean and play in the mountain snow. I'm going to do it all, when I get my wings. I'm a young mom and I'm taking my kids to the water park. I want to play too, but I don't dare. One day, I will dare, when I get my wings. They're a little older and I take them to Disney. I am afraid that I won't fit on the rides, so I don't try. One day, I will try, when I get my wings. I watch my kids take tae kwon do. I want to do it too, but I'm afraid. I will be brave, when I get my wings. I will ride bikes. I will explore new cities. I will go to a club and dance till dawn. There are so many things I missed out on, being a caterpillar. But one day, I will get my wings...

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