Saturday, March 20, 2010

Simply Raw

I just watched "Simply Raw- Reversing Diabetes in 30 Days." It follows six people who are all diabetics; 4 are Type ll and two are Type l. None of them start out health conscious; they are all eating typical fast-food SAD diet. They go to Arizona to Dr. Cousen's Tree of Life Center. All get off of insulin, blood pressure meds, lose over 20 lbs in the month, it is just amazing. One guy leaves after 20 days; he just can't hack it. Another guy (one of the Type l diabetics) hitch hikes into Mexico and gets drunk, just really plastered, and eats a lot of crap food. He does come back though, and ends up with good results, lowering his insulin from 70 units a day to only 5 in 30 days.

Diabetes has been something I have feared since I was a teenager. I have been not just overweight, but obese, pretty much my whole life. Every doctor I've ever gone to has told me that I WILL get diabetes, it is just a matter of time. When I weighed over 400 lbs (and I'm 5' 2") I was terrified that I had it. By some miracle, I dodged the bullet. I think it is because, although I was a compulsive eater, addicted to fast food, addicted to sugar and cheese and meat, I also ate a lot of fruits and veggies. I'd educated myself about good nutrition, and I'd try to do the right things; I would just fail over and over because of the compulsive demons I fought.

Working in the medical field, I know what a disaster diabetes is. It is really a slow death sentence. That's not a nice thing to say, but it is the reality. It is a theif that steals your health. It steals your vision, it wrecks your kidneys so you walk around with poison in your blood that you lose the ability to filter and get rid of, it makes all your blood vessels leak which starts to kill your heart and your circulation. You lose feeling in your feet, because they are literally being starved of blood. You know that pins and needles feeling when your foot goes to sleep and how you hate it? Some people have that ALL THE TIME.

I realize now, I was just waiting for diabetes to arrive. I was expecting it; I was living my life in anticipation of my death sentence. I am not stupid. I know the life expectancy of a 400 pound woman who is only 5' 2". I was killing myself, and I knew it. I just felt powerless to stop. I made out a will at 35. I wrote "good bye" letters to my children with so many tears streaking the paper that you can hardly read it. I felt like I was so lucky to have such a great family, a job I love, and even with my crappy income I know I am far more blessed than 90 % of people in the world. It was like I won the life lottery, and I was literally eating it all away. I felt like I was on the highway to Hell, and there were exits, but I wouldn't let myself take them. Instead, I lived in fear, and in a prison of pain. My back ached, always. My feet hurt terribly, my knees would painfully buckle under me. I would make myself exercise, but it would be like walking on nails, buried in sand (because it was so hard to propel myself forward) and with no air.

I felt unworthy of love. Who was going to love a 400 pound woman and want her as a life partner? No one. I made sure men knew that I knew that I was out of the question. I was every body's buddy. I was hilarious--maybe people might like me for that? It's hard to be the life of the party when you are literally dying inside. It's hard to watch everyone else out doing what you'd love to do--riding bikes and going on water slides, riding roller coasters that you won't fit on, walking around exploring cool places you'd love to see, but it is too much agony to carry yourself around to see them. I live in one of the most beautiful places in nature on earth, but I couldn't hike the trails or see the waterfalls.

I was in a prison. That I built myself. It was made of pounds and pounds of pain- mental, spiritual, physical, emotional--a thousand white hot suns of pain. And the whole time, I had the key.

I asked God to save me because I could not (or would not) save myself. He led me to freedom and to this life style. He gave me the power to believe in myself again, to trust myself after 40 yrs of lying to myself. I told Him I would do anything at all required; I was absolutely willing and ready to be healed. I told Him how grateful I was for my life, for all my family and friends and the wonder and beauty of this life, and that I didn't want to lose it. I asked Him to take away the compulsion, to give me the strength to bear temptation, to let my intelligence overcome my impulses. And, He did.

I absolutely believe He led me to the people and the tools that have allowed me to heal. He let me buy a dehydrator and blender and food processor back when I thought, "why the heck am I getting these? I'll never use them." (How I snicker at that now.) He let me meet Chasmyn and go to the Blossoming Lotus, the first living food restaurant I'd ever heard of. Through her, I found out about Raw Fu and all the other websites and blogs I use now. I found out about Raw Food Rehab and I get huge support there. I have books and ebooks and everything I need. He even finds me great deals on cheap organics so I can afford it all!

I am no longer waiting for diabetes to happen to me. I have laid down 60 pounds of pain; I trust my body to release the rest, and to heal every cell, organ, and system in me. I expect only healing, health, vibrant energy, and love.

I am slowly opening the door to my jail cell, and peeking out. I poke one toe out the door. It is a beautiful day. I am free.


Kerri said...

Wish I could tell you how I feel when I read how your turned this all over to God and He has healed you. You make me want to walk with you on it but I can't find my way there. Maybe you can e-mail me and we can talk about it more? I'm really proud of you, my friend.

chasmyn said...

THIS is a beautiful post. Awesome!!!

(Can you tell I'm catching up on the posts now?)