Day Six- Cheater Weigh-In

I told myself I would weigh in every 10 days, but I have been a little nervous eating all these nuts and avacados, usually a diet no-no. So today I weighed in and surprise! I am 369! Remember Day One was 378. I have lost 9 pounds in 6 days! I will fear the lovely avacado no more. Almonds? Yes please.

Just for some history, my highest weight ever was 406. I have been fat all my life. I have tried almost anything you can think of to lose weight, including fasting for 10 days. Always I have success for a time, and then the emotional issues I have make me mess up and then give up. I am hoping that by having a numerical goal of a certain number of days, it will help me to get back on the horse if I end up falling off.

Tonight, I got really really hungry because I hadn't eaten enough in the afternoon and it was past eight when I got home because of the bus. I went for my sweet and sour tofu, which is cooked food. I didn't eat too much because my daughter saw me and took it away. I don't really feel like a failure, because I never said I would be 100% raw, just that I would try my best and be as raw as I could. Obviously, I need to not make my favorite dishes for a while until I am stronger. That was some pretty obvious self-sabotage. Also, I don't think it is a coincidence that it happened after I weighed in yesterday. Weigh ins freak me out a little even when I am doing great. I do want to lose weight, sincerely, strongly, but obviously there is some unconcious part of me that wants me to stay fat, or I would not be this fat. I need to keep my focus on just being healthy and not worry whether or not it is showing on the scale. I think eliminating weigh ins for a while will help that.

Day Four--Festive and Raw at the Festival

Today we took my mom to the Polish festival in N. Portland. It was really fun, and I had no trouble saying no to the polish sausage and stuffed cabbage rolls because I planned ahead and brought some fruit and almonds to munch on. We watched the dancers and I couldn't help but think how much I would love it if I could lose enough weight that I could be doing the polka and having a blast next year. I want to be one of those people who rides her bike everywhere, even commutes to work by bike, and does fun things with her kids. I'm sick of watching while they go on waterslides without me, ride go-carts with out me, take the boat out that I'm afraid to go in because I may lose my balance, or worse, sink it. I always said we'd go backpack around Europe when my daughter was 16. Well that's only a few months off and I not only is it way more expensive now, I also know it would be a big drag for me right now because I'm so fat. I've given up so much of my life to food. My children have been robbed of the kind of mom they should have had. Worse, I've cheated myself. If raw food can deliver me from this, cooked food will never even tempt me again.