What Day I'm On: Today marks 28 days, or 4 weeks! Alright, now we're talking! I am 70% of the way to 40 days.
How's It Going? Yesterday was a stressful day--I found out a friend was in the hospital. And for some reason, my kitchen table completely collapsed. There wasn't a lot of stuff on it at all--but it did have one bad leg, and it must have leaned to far that way. At first I was really upset, but then I was just thankful that no kids or cats got hurt. I am worried for my friend, but I have peace around that situation. At no time did I think, "Oh, man, I'm stressed, I want to eat something really harmful to me!" lol That sounds ridiculous, because it is. How does eating bad food make anything better? It doesn't, and yet, that was my go-to coping mechanism for years and years and years. I think it's nothing short of a miracle that I can be on the juice for 28 days, no problem, and the thought didn't even have to be beat down, or anything. It just didn't occur to me. Amazing! Thank you, God, for all you are doing and for being in control of all my situations and for having everything turn out for the highest good!
Today, I'm so tired that I can't see straight. Well, it is 4:18 a.m. right now, and I rilly, rilly, rilly want to crawl right back in to my cozy, welcoming bed instead of getting busy and making my juice. I think I will have some Rooibos tea and see if my body will be fooled into thinking it is getting caffeine from all the years I drank black tea. It's worth a shot, and Rooibos is so yummy!
What I'm Drinking: I scored a whole bunch of rainbow chard, heirloom tomatoes, apples, bell peppers and carrots at Limbo yesterday. Limbo is my favorite produce stand--they have awesome prices on organic produce, they try very hard to get local first, and they routinely take their overstocks, put a ton of them in a bag, like a big bunch of swiss chard, 5 apples, one bell pepper and 2 cumbers, and sell them for a dollar! Yesterday I helped myself to 8 (!) dollar bags! Since I will be using up all that rainbow chard, I am calling today's juice Rainbow Juice. I think that's a good name for all the beautiful colors of produce that go into a good juice.
Yesterday, I juice beetroot greens, which I'm not fond of, but are good for you. It kind of made my juice taste icky to me all day. I want yummy juice today!
Emotional Detox: Too much emotion coming in to process much old baggage right now. I am just resting in the wonder of being at peace and knowing that it's all going to be ok. I know not what the future holds, but I know WHO holds the future.
Physical Detox: Because I have so much stored fat that is being metabolized, and fat is where your body stores toxins, I have a lot of detox, even when I am not juicing. I don't want people to think they will have all these joyous symptoms when they juice. Most people have just very mild things happen, and nothing all that bothersome. Most people did not start out over 400 lbs! I feel like detox symptoms are a small price to pay for many more years being added to my life. And honestly, I had tons more ugly symptoms BEFORE, when I was so heavy: terrible acne till I was 38, eczema, boils, weird dry flaky patches, skin yeast outbreaks, boils, all this on top of the sheer PAIN of dragging around that much weight, on my back, my joints, especially my knees and feet. The effort of just living, lugging around those pounds of pain, left me utterly exhausted.
Detox is a good thing! Better out than in. Yes!
Decluttering: I came home from work yesterday to find that Nora had cleaned the whole house while I was at work! That was an awesome surprise! (Better than finding the remains of the dead kitchen table in my room! lol) She is a great kid! I am feeling lucky and happy. I've been doing my method of taking a box, and getting rid of 40 things, every day. Some goes in the garbage or recycle, and some goes in a box for charity. 40 things,every day. I thought it would be challenging, but it is not, a thought that gives me pause. (If I can get rid of 40 things daily, with very little compunction, it is pretty clear evidence that I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF!) I am tossing toxic cosmetics and lotions and cleaning products, giving away too big clothes, and all the kitchen stuff from when I was a fabulous baker. Everything I release seems to have an attachment in me--I feel emotions well up as I let go of it. I'm thinking it's kind of like the emotions getting released that were present when you stuffed down food, that I think happens when you burn a lot of fat, quickly. The emotions I had when buying the stuff, or receiving it as a gift, are welling up as I release it. It is tough to process, hopping from a good riddance feeling, to a guilt at spending so much money on that feeling, to a "glad-I-don't-fit-in-that-anymore-but-sad-because-it-was-my-favorite" feeling, all in the course of a few minutes. It is a roller coaster ride! But when I am done, and the stuff is tossed or donated, I feel lighter, and freer. Stuff weighs you down, dudes. Better to bless someone else than carry all o' that around.
Don't Forget: We are toasting Dave and sending him some love along with our juices and smoothies if you are so inclined. Toast Penni and Susan and anyone who has helped you along this path of radiant health and life abundant. Lift a glass and drink to their health, and to your own!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 27 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
I now have less than 2 weeks left on this juice feast. Woo-hoo! It has been so enlightening, but it has been a challenge and a test of my will at times. I am proud of what I have accomplished so far, and absolutely determined to stick it out.
I want to dedicate this post to a special shout out from Dave, The Raw Food Trucker. I wish each and every one of you could have the chance to just have a few minutes in the presence of this kind, loving, wise one. In this world of PR spin and everyone concerned about their image, the media showing us plastic glamor and glorifying phonies, he is 100% genuine. He speaks directly from his heart, and that heart is the size of Texas. I am so honored that I get to call him friend, and have the opportunity to sit at his feet and LEARN, not just about health and juice feasting, but about LIFE. He is a man who truly loves his fellow man as himself. He helps so many people, he would be embarrassed if I told you. So I will just say that I don't have too many heroes, but Dave The Raw Food Trucker is one of them. :)
Dave wanted me to pass on to you how important it is to take 100% control of your own health. He said he's learning the hard way and he loves us and wants us to have that power over our own destinies. Dave is an incredible example of doing just that, having cured himself of cancer, diabetes, and taken off over 230 pounds to come back from morbid obesity.
He also wanted to tell us how lucky we are to have this place, and to have each other. "It's incredible, everything that Penni does and how she's put that place together. I know she has a family and kids. I don't know how she does it, but God bless her soul. I hope you guys tell Penni how much you appreciate her, and having a place to get that love and support." We do, Dave! We appreciate it SOOOO much. We love our Penni and Susan too! We know that we walk a far easier path because of this place; we don't have to be the lone "health nut," the "crazy vegan" out there on our own. We have each other, and what an enormous blessing that is. I can honestly say that my life has been far more touched and enriched by the people on this website than it has by any more than a handful of the people I see in my daily life.
Dave is so excited that we are all juice feasting. He said he's hearing from lots of people that wonderful healing is happening here. He gives all the credit to Penni for getting us juiced up and keeping us motivated.
So, today, I have a special request. I know a lot of you were planning to try a juice feast, or even just adding some juice to your raw food in the next few days and weeks. In Dave's honor, would you consider having a juice feast in the next few days? It certainly doesn't have to be 40 days! It doesn't even have to be a whole day! It could be any amount--one glass, one quart, one day, or as long as you choose. (If you want to raise a green smoothie, do that!) I know how thrilled he would be, if each of you would lift a glass of your favorite fresh juice in his honor, and say a little prayer or send a little love to Dave for all he has done for others. Drink to his health, and to your own.
This life is way too short. We have to tell people we love them and appreciate them while we we've got them here. Dave never ends a call without telling me, from his heart, that he loves me as his cherished friend. So I want to tell you guys, from my heart, how much I love you all and cherish every one of you.
Please raise your glass (and your prayers and good thoughts) to our friend, Dave, and to your health!
I want to dedicate this post to a special shout out from Dave, The Raw Food Trucker. I wish each and every one of you could have the chance to just have a few minutes in the presence of this kind, loving, wise one. In this world of PR spin and everyone concerned about their image, the media showing us plastic glamor and glorifying phonies, he is 100% genuine. He speaks directly from his heart, and that heart is the size of Texas. I am so honored that I get to call him friend, and have the opportunity to sit at his feet and LEARN, not just about health and juice feasting, but about LIFE. He is a man who truly loves his fellow man as himself. He helps so many people, he would be embarrassed if I told you. So I will just say that I don't have too many heroes, but Dave The Raw Food Trucker is one of them. :)
Dave wanted me to pass on to you how important it is to take 100% control of your own health. He said he's learning the hard way and he loves us and wants us to have that power over our own destinies. Dave is an incredible example of doing just that, having cured himself of cancer, diabetes, and taken off over 230 pounds to come back from morbid obesity.
He also wanted to tell us how lucky we are to have this place, and to have each other. "It's incredible, everything that Penni does and how she's put that place together. I know she has a family and kids. I don't know how she does it, but God bless her soul. I hope you guys tell Penni how much you appreciate her, and having a place to get that love and support." We do, Dave! We appreciate it SOOOO much. We love our Penni and Susan too! We know that we walk a far easier path because of this place; we don't have to be the lone "health nut," the "crazy vegan" out there on our own. We have each other, and what an enormous blessing that is. I can honestly say that my life has been far more touched and enriched by the people on this website than it has by any more than a handful of the people I see in my daily life.
Dave is so excited that we are all juice feasting. He said he's hearing from lots of people that wonderful healing is happening here. He gives all the credit to Penni for getting us juiced up and keeping us motivated.
So, today, I have a special request. I know a lot of you were planning to try a juice feast, or even just adding some juice to your raw food in the next few days and weeks. In Dave's honor, would you consider having a juice feast in the next few days? It certainly doesn't have to be 40 days! It doesn't even have to be a whole day! It could be any amount--one glass, one quart, one day, or as long as you choose. (If you want to raise a green smoothie, do that!) I know how thrilled he would be, if each of you would lift a glass of your favorite fresh juice in his honor, and say a little prayer or send a little love to Dave for all he has done for others. Drink to his health, and to your own.
This life is way too short. We have to tell people we love them and appreciate them while we we've got them here. Dave never ends a call without telling me, from his heart, that he loves me as his cherished friend. So I want to tell you guys, from my heart, how much I love you all and cherish every one of you.
Please raise your glass (and your prayers and good thoughts) to our friend, Dave, and to your health!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 26 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
Well, it's getting interesting around here! We have a little debate going about how to break a fast. I knew I had heard that David Rainosheck now says that green smoothies are the best way to break a fast.
I had first read that you are supposed to eat soaked prunes for a few days, up to 6 for a long juice feast like mine (anything over 12 days). Then you have juicy fruits, while still drinking green juice and really hold off on adding back non-juicy fruits like bananas and avocados till after you've added back green salads, in the last few days of breaking the fast.
But then I saw the Rainoshecks on youtube and in an interview with both of them with their sweet new baby, he explains that green smoothies are the new, preferred way to break the fast. That's fine with me, I am not so crazy about the whole prune idea.
And in Real Juice Daily, Penni writes about how she was getting ready to break her 92 day feast (92 days! My cow, Penni, how I admire you!) and she was glad that the new protocol was green smoothies but then the power went out and she got stuck with the soaked prune method after all!
Any whoodle, I am guessing I will go with the green smoothie method, combined with some soaked prunes, and continue some green juice while I break the fast (after 40 days, of course!) The prunes are to ya know, get you moving, *wink wink* but honestly, maybe I am a mutant, but I have been *wink wink* moving all along. Maybe it's because I take magnesium? Anyway, I love a good plum, but mushy soaked prunes don't sound great to me, and I literally have not eaten a thing in 26 days. Maybe by day 40 they'll sound good! Don't bet the farm. :)
What Day I'm On: 26 out of 40, 65% of the way there
How's It Going? Today was good--no headache, just a twinge of a bellyache, which I still think is related to my back strain. Or maybe it's because I have taken to drinking Penni's "salsa juice" which has onion and garlic and a wee lil bit of jalapeno in it? I love it so. It is quite yumfull. I may lay off it for a day and see if it helps my tummy. I am trying to see if I can get rid of any parasites, as gross as that sounds. The only thing grosser? Is having the PARASITES STAY IN ME. I'm told I need wormwood and some other herbs to do a right and proper job of it. I will have to cruise by Limbo ("See the famous 'Wall of Herbs'! Over 700 varieties!") to see if they have any fluke-be-gone or worm-away or similar.
My back strain is better today. I'm convinced it's giving me just enough heck so I don't forget not to be a dork and decide to move heavy inanimate objects for fun anymore. It still hurts when I sit, or drive, or stand from a sitting position. The good thing is that it doesn't hurt at all to walk, so my exercise hasn't been affected. Plus I have access to an endless supply of ice packs at work and hot and cold running Physical Therapists. My back strain doesn't stand a chance in the face of such good stuff coming my way!
In Real Juice Daily, Penni wrote about the theory that you go back 120 days in time, spiritually, for every one day that you are juice feasting. Since I am 40, that who have me back to age 27 right now. When I was 27, hmm, ok, Nora would have been 4 and Joe was 2. It's about the time I decided I couldn't bear to have them in daycare anymore (too many fears from my past combined with bad experiences with my kids' daycare) and I pulled them out and quit my job on a whim and started MY OWN daycare. I knew how much I was paying for daycare and I figured, there was decent money in it, I love kids, and how else is a single mom going to stay home with her own? Plus I had been a preschool teacher just out of college, so I knew I loved it and had some experience. I am wondering if this is what brought up, in some way, me sharing about the babysitter who abused me in my post on Day 22? Anyway, it was a bold (maybe foolhardy) move, but it all worked out, and while we didn't live high on the hog, I did get to be there for the precious childhoods of the people I love most in this world.
This whole juice feasting thing? It really is a spiritual journey. They say the longest journey in life is the 18 inches from the head to the heart. I walk the line. Juicy. Life.
I had first read that you are supposed to eat soaked prunes for a few days, up to 6 for a long juice feast like mine (anything over 12 days). Then you have juicy fruits, while still drinking green juice and really hold off on adding back non-juicy fruits like bananas and avocados till after you've added back green salads, in the last few days of breaking the fast.
But then I saw the Rainoshecks on youtube and in an interview with both of them with their sweet new baby, he explains that green smoothies are the new, preferred way to break the fast. That's fine with me, I am not so crazy about the whole prune idea.
And in Real Juice Daily, Penni writes about how she was getting ready to break her 92 day feast (92 days! My cow, Penni, how I admire you!) and she was glad that the new protocol was green smoothies but then the power went out and she got stuck with the soaked prune method after all!
Any whoodle, I am guessing I will go with the green smoothie method, combined with some soaked prunes, and continue some green juice while I break the fast (after 40 days, of course!) The prunes are to ya know, get you moving, *wink wink* but honestly, maybe I am a mutant, but I have been *wink wink* moving all along. Maybe it's because I take magnesium? Anyway, I love a good plum, but mushy soaked prunes don't sound great to me, and I literally have not eaten a thing in 26 days. Maybe by day 40 they'll sound good! Don't bet the farm. :)
What Day I'm On: 26 out of 40, 65% of the way there
How's It Going? Today was good--no headache, just a twinge of a bellyache, which I still think is related to my back strain. Or maybe it's because I have taken to drinking Penni's "salsa juice" which has onion and garlic and a wee lil bit of jalapeno in it? I love it so. It is quite yumfull. I may lay off it for a day and see if it helps my tummy. I am trying to see if I can get rid of any parasites, as gross as that sounds. The only thing grosser? Is having the PARASITES STAY IN ME. I'm told I need wormwood and some other herbs to do a right and proper job of it. I will have to cruise by Limbo ("See the famous 'Wall of Herbs'! Over 700 varieties!") to see if they have any fluke-be-gone or worm-away or similar.
My back strain is better today. I'm convinced it's giving me just enough heck so I don't forget not to be a dork and decide to move heavy inanimate objects for fun anymore. It still hurts when I sit, or drive, or stand from a sitting position. The good thing is that it doesn't hurt at all to walk, so my exercise hasn't been affected. Plus I have access to an endless supply of ice packs at work and hot and cold running Physical Therapists. My back strain doesn't stand a chance in the face of such good stuff coming my way!
In Real Juice Daily, Penni wrote about the theory that you go back 120 days in time, spiritually, for every one day that you are juice feasting. Since I am 40, that who have me back to age 27 right now. When I was 27, hmm, ok, Nora would have been 4 and Joe was 2. It's about the time I decided I couldn't bear to have them in daycare anymore (too many fears from my past combined with bad experiences with my kids' daycare) and I pulled them out and quit my job on a whim and started MY OWN daycare. I knew how much I was paying for daycare and I figured, there was decent money in it, I love kids, and how else is a single mom going to stay home with her own? Plus I had been a preschool teacher just out of college, so I knew I loved it and had some experience. I am wondering if this is what brought up, in some way, me sharing about the babysitter who abused me in my post on Day 22? Anyway, it was a bold (maybe foolhardy) move, but it all worked out, and while we didn't live high on the hog, I did get to be there for the precious childhoods of the people I love most in this world.
This whole juice feasting thing? It really is a spiritual journey. They say the longest journey in life is the 18 inches from the head to the heart. I walk the line. Juicy. Life.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 25 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
What Day I'm On: 25 out of 40 (62.5% of the way)
How's It Going? Better today! My headache is gone, thank the Lord! The tummy ache seems to only bother me in the mornings, and the back ache is getting better but is definitely still there. Luckily, it does not keep me from walking or exercising, just sitting. Unluckily, guess what my job has me doing all day? Warming that office chair! But s'ok--there is one way I can sit, leaning way back with the keyboard propped up on my belly, that it doesn't hurt. I will just explain to the patients that I am working around back pain. Since I work in the Physical Therapy department, I'm pretty sure they'll understand!
I know what I did to my back--I moved a very heavy compost container. I knew when I tried to move it that I really ought to get help. When will I learn that I am not Super Mal?! Sorry back! Sorry sciatic nerve that I ticked off! Won't happen again.
I had fun with my kids, going to both of their grandparents' houses like we usually do on Sundays. Lunch at my ex-MIL who nodded approvingly at my juice and asked how much longer. (Only 15 days! Woot!) My mom gave me some good-natured ribbing, "That looks like bile!" so I gave her some back, "Yep, looks like bile and almost as tasty!" We both laughed pretty hard. I know that she's proud of me for sticking with this.
We went shopping and Mom got me a couple of cardigan sweaters, one in a cheery cotton candy pink and one in a bright lovely turquoise. I wear a lot of black (a LOT of black!) so they'll be nice for a little pop of color and they're perfect for layering. In the Pacific NW, weather is like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're going to get! The cardigans were so cheap--on clearance from Spring, maybe? But that was so nice of Mom--she wouldn't let me talk her out of getting them for me. :)
When I did her wound care, I agree with the doctor, it looks a whole lot better. Yay for homeopathic rememdies! How I would dearly love to get her on raw food, even for a couple of months, the way Rawdawg Rory did for his mom. His mom had awesome results: she released 40 lbs, she got to get off a lot of her medications, and she had some ulcers on her legs that she'd had for more than 3 yrs finally heal up. My mom was raised in the South, and supper isn't supper without some unfortunate animal fried up in Crisco on the plate. She doesn't like sweets, so I can't hook her in with raw desserts, my usual tactic. She does like salad and other veggies so I make a point of bringing over something for her to "try" each week. So far, she loves my version of Thai salad rolls, and my Asian Persuasion Coleslaw (which even has a little raw beet in it and it turns it a gorgeous pink!) I know the garlic and ginger and the cruciferous veggies are great for her. I will hook her in yet! hee hee (insert manachical cackle) No, seriously, I never ever ever nag her about trying raw because that's a great way to make someone hate it. I just bring her "treats." My dad too! He's easier because he loves desserts and green smoothies. Dad has Multiple Sclerosis. They are both in wheelchairs. Mom, who has only one leg, takes care of Dad! She is kind of amazing. Joe, my youngest, has three more years of high school. When he's on to college, I will move in with my parents so I can take care of them more. Their house is all set up for them, and they love being independent. Honestly, it would be easier on me than running across town to their place all the time. They don't need much help--just with the major household chores--Mom does the cooking and laundry and dishes. I do the bathrooms and mopping and vacuuming, etc. I also water their plants and get the mail, little stuff like that. It would be so much easier if I lived there. I could also take over their mortgage payment, since it is about the same as what I pay in rent, and that would take some pressure off them. They'd pay the utilities for all of us, so that would make it a little cheaper for me, too. I just hope they can hold on and stay independent until I get my Joe-ster out of school! But anyway, when I'm living there, I will be eating raw, and I hope they'll just want some of what I'm having, since that's how it worked with my kids.
What I'm Drinking: Penni's salsa juice from Real Juice Daily. I only use a teensy bit of jalapeno, and a small bit of sweet onion, one clove of garlic, a ton of cilantro and about 15 roma tomatoes, along with some lemon juice, and a couple stalks of celery to make it saltier. It is so good! Have you gotten Real Juice Daily yet? If not, why not? It is such a good read--about so much more than just juicing, although it's a great resource for that too. Penni really goes deep--I found out so much more about her, and it just makes me love her all the more. Plus, she gives me such great ideas.
Detox: I don't think the back pain is detox. I think the back pain was a breathtaking case of temporary dumbness. lol The headache is gone, but probably was from not enough sleep, so I'm working on that. The belly pain seems to be referred pain from the back--those nerves stick together. You tick one off, you tick them all off! Every morning, my nose runs like a faucet and I sneeze a bit, and I'm pretty sure that is some detox. Let it out! Let it all out. That's why I'm here, people.
On My Mind: As I dream of breaking the fast (stay in the day! I know, I know. But I think about it, ok?!) I am planning on doing two days of smoothies, to reintroduce fiber, and then progressing to mono meals of fruit and then adding in some salad. And then, I would like to have a celebration meal at Blossoming Lotus with my Portland/Vancouver pals. This would be on Friday, September 17. Is anyone up for it?
How's It Going? Better today! My headache is gone, thank the Lord! The tummy ache seems to only bother me in the mornings, and the back ache is getting better but is definitely still there. Luckily, it does not keep me from walking or exercising, just sitting. Unluckily, guess what my job has me doing all day? Warming that office chair! But s'ok--there is one way I can sit, leaning way back with the keyboard propped up on my belly, that it doesn't hurt. I will just explain to the patients that I am working around back pain. Since I work in the Physical Therapy department, I'm pretty sure they'll understand!
I know what I did to my back--I moved a very heavy compost container. I knew when I tried to move it that I really ought to get help. When will I learn that I am not Super Mal?! Sorry back! Sorry sciatic nerve that I ticked off! Won't happen again.
I had fun with my kids, going to both of their grandparents' houses like we usually do on Sundays. Lunch at my ex-MIL who nodded approvingly at my juice and asked how much longer. (Only 15 days! Woot!) My mom gave me some good-natured ribbing, "That looks like bile!" so I gave her some back, "Yep, looks like bile and almost as tasty!" We both laughed pretty hard. I know that she's proud of me for sticking with this.
We went shopping and Mom got me a couple of cardigan sweaters, one in a cheery cotton candy pink and one in a bright lovely turquoise. I wear a lot of black (a LOT of black!) so they'll be nice for a little pop of color and they're perfect for layering. In the Pacific NW, weather is like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're going to get! The cardigans were so cheap--on clearance from Spring, maybe? But that was so nice of Mom--she wouldn't let me talk her out of getting them for me. :)
When I did her wound care, I agree with the doctor, it looks a whole lot better. Yay for homeopathic rememdies! How I would dearly love to get her on raw food, even for a couple of months, the way Rawdawg Rory did for his mom. His mom had awesome results: she released 40 lbs, she got to get off a lot of her medications, and she had some ulcers on her legs that she'd had for more than 3 yrs finally heal up. My mom was raised in the South, and supper isn't supper without some unfortunate animal fried up in Crisco on the plate. She doesn't like sweets, so I can't hook her in with raw desserts, my usual tactic. She does like salad and other veggies so I make a point of bringing over something for her to "try" each week. So far, she loves my version of Thai salad rolls, and my Asian Persuasion Coleslaw (which even has a little raw beet in it and it turns it a gorgeous pink!) I know the garlic and ginger and the cruciferous veggies are great for her. I will hook her in yet! hee hee (insert manachical cackle) No, seriously, I never ever ever nag her about trying raw because that's a great way to make someone hate it. I just bring her "treats." My dad too! He's easier because he loves desserts and green smoothies. Dad has Multiple Sclerosis. They are both in wheelchairs. Mom, who has only one leg, takes care of Dad! She is kind of amazing. Joe, my youngest, has three more years of high school. When he's on to college, I will move in with my parents so I can take care of them more. Their house is all set up for them, and they love being independent. Honestly, it would be easier on me than running across town to their place all the time. They don't need much help--just with the major household chores--Mom does the cooking and laundry and dishes. I do the bathrooms and mopping and vacuuming, etc. I also water their plants and get the mail, little stuff like that. It would be so much easier if I lived there. I could also take over their mortgage payment, since it is about the same as what I pay in rent, and that would take some pressure off them. They'd pay the utilities for all of us, so that would make it a little cheaper for me, too. I just hope they can hold on and stay independent until I get my Joe-ster out of school! But anyway, when I'm living there, I will be eating raw, and I hope they'll just want some of what I'm having, since that's how it worked with my kids.
What I'm Drinking: Penni's salsa juice from Real Juice Daily. I only use a teensy bit of jalapeno, and a small bit of sweet onion, one clove of garlic, a ton of cilantro and about 15 roma tomatoes, along with some lemon juice, and a couple stalks of celery to make it saltier. It is so good! Have you gotten Real Juice Daily yet? If not, why not? It is such a good read--about so much more than just juicing, although it's a great resource for that too. Penni really goes deep--I found out so much more about her, and it just makes me love her all the more. Plus, she gives me such great ideas.
Detox: I don't think the back pain is detox. I think the back pain was a breathtaking case of temporary dumbness. lol The headache is gone, but probably was from not enough sleep, so I'm working on that. The belly pain seems to be referred pain from the back--those nerves stick together. You tick one off, you tick them all off! Every morning, my nose runs like a faucet and I sneeze a bit, and I'm pretty sure that is some detox. Let it out! Let it all out. That's why I'm here, people.
On My Mind: As I dream of breaking the fast (stay in the day! I know, I know. But I think about it, ok?!) I am planning on doing two days of smoothies, to reintroduce fiber, and then progressing to mono meals of fruit and then adding in some salad. And then, I would like to have a celebration meal at Blossoming Lotus with my Portland/Vancouver pals. This would be on Friday, September 17. Is anyone up for it?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 24 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
What Day I'm On: 24 out of 40, 60% of the way
It is Sunday again, and time to focus on gratitude! (I just love Sunday!) Actually, I do gratitude work every day (I'm that lucky! lol) but Sunday is the day that I blabber on about it in my blog. :)
First good news is about my car, which decided to take up SMOKING on Friday! I called Stanley, my awesome mechanic. Stanley is from Jamaica, and that's where he learned to fix cars. He said in Jamaica, all the cars are really old because it costs so much to import new ones, and people just hold on to their cars "fahevah mon." And so Stanley is uniquely qualified to keep old cars running, ad infinitum, and to do it on the super cheap. Which makes him uniquely qualified to be my mechanic! Plus, he makes house calls! Who does that, right? Stanley does. So Stanley came over and saw exactly what the problem was (a bad hose. It hadn't taken up smoking, it was just steaming mad at me. :) And since my car is really old, and this is the 2nd hose he's had to replace lately, he just went ahead and replaced all the other hoses. And only took 2 hrs (including time spent running to the parts shop) and only charged me $60. I'm telling you, every single mom should have a Stanley!
So today I thank God for wheels that get my family where we need to go safely, for a non-smoking car, and for Stanley, a great mechanic and a heckuva nice guy. Bonus: It's rally ke-wel to hear him talk, mon!
My second thing I'm going to spout gratitude about today is about healing. As most of y'all know, Joe is my 15 yr old son and he had a major surgery on his back in June to correct severe scoliosis (crooked spine, and in his case, a small hunchback.) His surgeons had told us this was a rough operation for boys especially, and that he would probably be on narcotics up to six months to handle the pain. And at first, it was really tough, all he could do was lay down because the pain was excruciating when he'd try to sit. Still, he chose to only take pain medicine for about 3 wks, not 6 months. And he has been faithfully doing his rehabilitation exercises, as well as getting plenty of rest and as much raw food as he will let me poke down him.
I had been really worried that when school started again, next week, he wouldn't be able to sit for a whole day in class, that it would be too painful. But, right on time, about 2 wks ago, he started to be able to sit for longer and longer periods of time with no pain! And now, it is almost as if he had never even had the operation! He is still restricted from a lot of activities: bending at the waist, lifting more than 10 pounds, twisting ("It's really interfering with my yoga!" he quips) but I feel confident he's going to be able to get through school just fine.
As if that were not enough to be thankful for, my mom, who's had a non-healing ulcer on her foot since, I dunno, 3 yrs now? Suddenly started having some healing in it! I've gone over to her house 2-3 times a week to change the dressing ever since she got out of the hospital. She started out with two huge wounds: one on her heel, the size of a peach, and one on the top of her foot, the size of a large grape. (Can you tell I want some fruit?!) Anyway, we already got her heel wound healed, which took me about 2 yrs of trying every natural treatment I had ever heard of for hard to heal wounds. But the top of her foot has worse circulation so it wasn't getting any better and had worsened slightly. Until the last couple of weeks--I've been using ionized water and bee propolis on it, and it did look like it was getting slightly better. Then she went to the doctor, and he said, actually, it's gotten quite a bit better since he last checked it! Yay! Another victory for perserverance!
So I am grateful for this season of healing and for our miraculous bodies, designed by God to take such good care of us if we get out of their way!
How's It Going: Ack, these last few days have been rough. I have a headache, a backache, a belly ache, and temptation has been rearing it's ugly head, a lot. Yesterday, I almost broke my fast over a steamed green bean. A green bean, people! It just looked really, really good, and I wanted it. I wanted it! I've tried adding ginger to my juice for the aches and pains, but I don't notice any change. I don't want to bellyache about it anymore (hee) but I could sure use some prayers if you are so inclined.
What I'm Drinking: I added in a little bit of fruit juice to sweeten up my veggie juice, and can I just say? That first drink of pure watermelon juice was heaven. So sweet and so refreshing! I had several good gulps of it before I adding the rest to my veggie juice. I've not had the dizzy space cadet feeling since taking good advice and adding in the fruit juice. And heck mcdoodle, watermelons sure make a lot of juice! They make juicing a lot more economical. And tasty!
To all my friends-in-the-computer, I hope you have a wonderful week and keep it raw and green! Remember to love yourself, and then go love everybody else just for good measure!
It is Sunday again, and time to focus on gratitude! (I just love Sunday!) Actually, I do gratitude work every day (I'm that lucky! lol) but Sunday is the day that I blabber on about it in my blog. :)
First good news is about my car, which decided to take up SMOKING on Friday! I called Stanley, my awesome mechanic. Stanley is from Jamaica, and that's where he learned to fix cars. He said in Jamaica, all the cars are really old because it costs so much to import new ones, and people just hold on to their cars "fahevah mon." And so Stanley is uniquely qualified to keep old cars running, ad infinitum, and to do it on the super cheap. Which makes him uniquely qualified to be my mechanic! Plus, he makes house calls! Who does that, right? Stanley does. So Stanley came over and saw exactly what the problem was (a bad hose. It hadn't taken up smoking, it was just steaming mad at me. :) And since my car is really old, and this is the 2nd hose he's had to replace lately, he just went ahead and replaced all the other hoses. And only took 2 hrs (including time spent running to the parts shop) and only charged me $60. I'm telling you, every single mom should have a Stanley!
So today I thank God for wheels that get my family where we need to go safely, for a non-smoking car, and for Stanley, a great mechanic and a heckuva nice guy. Bonus: It's rally ke-wel to hear him talk, mon!
My second thing I'm going to spout gratitude about today is about healing. As most of y'all know, Joe is my 15 yr old son and he had a major surgery on his back in June to correct severe scoliosis (crooked spine, and in his case, a small hunchback.) His surgeons had told us this was a rough operation for boys especially, and that he would probably be on narcotics up to six months to handle the pain. And at first, it was really tough, all he could do was lay down because the pain was excruciating when he'd try to sit. Still, he chose to only take pain medicine for about 3 wks, not 6 months. And he has been faithfully doing his rehabilitation exercises, as well as getting plenty of rest and as much raw food as he will let me poke down him.
I had been really worried that when school started again, next week, he wouldn't be able to sit for a whole day in class, that it would be too painful. But, right on time, about 2 wks ago, he started to be able to sit for longer and longer periods of time with no pain! And now, it is almost as if he had never even had the operation! He is still restricted from a lot of activities: bending at the waist, lifting more than 10 pounds, twisting ("It's really interfering with my yoga!" he quips) but I feel confident he's going to be able to get through school just fine.
As if that were not enough to be thankful for, my mom, who's had a non-healing ulcer on her foot since, I dunno, 3 yrs now? Suddenly started having some healing in it! I've gone over to her house 2-3 times a week to change the dressing ever since she got out of the hospital. She started out with two huge wounds: one on her heel, the size of a peach, and one on the top of her foot, the size of a large grape. (Can you tell I want some fruit?!) Anyway, we already got her heel wound healed, which took me about 2 yrs of trying every natural treatment I had ever heard of for hard to heal wounds. But the top of her foot has worse circulation so it wasn't getting any better and had worsened slightly. Until the last couple of weeks--I've been using ionized water and bee propolis on it, and it did look like it was getting slightly better. Then she went to the doctor, and he said, actually, it's gotten quite a bit better since he last checked it! Yay! Another victory for perserverance!
So I am grateful for this season of healing and for our miraculous bodies, designed by God to take such good care of us if we get out of their way!
How's It Going: Ack, these last few days have been rough. I have a headache, a backache, a belly ache, and temptation has been rearing it's ugly head, a lot. Yesterday, I almost broke my fast over a steamed green bean. A green bean, people! It just looked really, really good, and I wanted it. I wanted it! I've tried adding ginger to my juice for the aches and pains, but I don't notice any change. I don't want to bellyache about it anymore (hee) but I could sure use some prayers if you are so inclined.
What I'm Drinking: I added in a little bit of fruit juice to sweeten up my veggie juice, and can I just say? That first drink of pure watermelon juice was heaven. So sweet and so refreshing! I had several good gulps of it before I adding the rest to my veggie juice. I've not had the dizzy space cadet feeling since taking good advice and adding in the fruit juice. And heck mcdoodle, watermelons sure make a lot of juice! They make juicing a lot more economical. And tasty!
To all my friends-in-the-computer, I hope you have a wonderful week and keep it raw and green! Remember to love yourself, and then go love everybody else just for good measure!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 23 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
I just want to thank you, from my heart, for all the uplifting, compassionate responses to my post yesterday. I think it is important to tell our stories. First, so that we ourselves can have our testimony and feel that victory of overcoming:
I thought I was broken, but I can heal.
I thought I was worthless, and now I know my own worth as a precious, cherished child of God.
I had a river of rage; now in its place run healing streams of acceptance, forgiveness and strength.
I thought that I was a lost cause; but now I know I am never lost, I can always find my way home.
I also wanted to tell my story because there are a lot of walking wounded all around us. You might not be able to see the scars, but they are there. If you also experienced abuse, from a parent, from a lover or a spouse; if someone who was supposed to love you and cherish you instead betrayed that sacred responsibility and hurt you, please know this, from my heart: It isn't your fault. No matter what they tell you, it just isn't. You are precious. You are worthy. You are lovable. And you are not broken, you can heal. You can get past it and go on to create a beautiful life. Never give up. Know that there is love enough: even for this. Even for you. And I will not fail to notice that your loving is a miracle. I love you.
What Day I'm On: 23 out of 40, 57% percent of the way
How's It Going: Still slogging along. I would really like some solid food! lol Even a green smoothie would be great. The aromas of foods wafting and torturing my olefactory system is the hardest. I really wish that I were in a position that I did not have to prepare food for anyone else. You could argue that my kids are teenagers, very capable of making their own food. But I view choosing and preparing their food as an act of love. I like planning it out, anticipating how much they are going to enjoy it, and thinking about all the great nutrition I am giving them. They tell me how much they appreciate it too. I spend a lot of time away from them, working; making their meals is a small way for me to nurture them and connect with them on a daily basis. Plus, I don't want to make this juice feast a huge "thing" and be all diva about it. "I have to be excused from all my responsibilities! I'm fasting, you know!" Still, I won't lie; it is hard. That just makes the victory all the sweeter!
Detox? Itching on my torso. Wondering if it could be from any of my supplements? Or just detox? Hmmm...a mystery! It's not fun but it's totally bearable. I have little pimple-like cysts in my underarms. Progress! I used to get huge boils, bigger than a half-dollar and hugely painful. Now, just wee little bumps that don't bother me.
Now I am wondering about the wisdom of cataloging my detox symptoms. I started doing it just to observe and document to give myself evidence that detox was happening--proof that what I am doing is working and worth it. But if we know that what you focus on expands--well, I don't want a healing crisis expansion! Thoughts? Do I continue? Is there value in it?
Emotional Detox? I think we've had just about enough of that for one week. I'm heading back to the shallow end of the pool for now!
Inspiration: This is a new category I'm adding because it so exciting for me to see, as I am moving the junk OUT, and clearing a path, what is coming IN. I am waking up in the middle of the night again, not because of anxiety attacks, but because I am getting such awesome ideas I just have to get them down. I am definitely writing a book! It is writing itself--it is fun and not a fight to get it down. I am in the flow! I wish I could "flow" and still manage 7 hrs of sleep, though. :)
Another thought: Yesterday, I was driving Nora to her job and all of the sudden, smoke or steam (don't know which one yet, but I'm rooting for steam!) started just pouring out from under my hood! I managed to get her to work and me back to work (I was only a couple of blocks away, so I risked it.) I got it towed home. This is my 3rd episode of car repairs this year! Is someone trying to tell me to walk more and take the bus?! lol
A new car is out of the question. Not happening. I don't even know how I'm going to afford to repair this one. Again. Why do cars always have such great timing?!
I have to have a working car because Joe starts rehearsing for the fall show. He has been doing community theatre since he was 8 yrs old. He's a really talented comedic actor and was an excellent dancer before his operation put him out of commission for a year. Even knowing that he was having surgery, the directors invited him to be a part of their "Elite Travel Troupe" (that's really what its called, lol) and he will be performing at the International Youth Festival in Aberdeen, Scotland next year. Anyway, the bus doesn't go by where we rehearse and anyway, sometimes rehearsal goes to 11 pm or later. Not a great time to take an hour or more bus trip! So I guess I will give up my fantasies of losing my mechanic's number. At least I'm helping someone finance his summer home! lol
I thought I was broken, but I can heal.
I thought I was worthless, and now I know my own worth as a precious, cherished child of God.
I had a river of rage; now in its place run healing streams of acceptance, forgiveness and strength.
I thought that I was a lost cause; but now I know I am never lost, I can always find my way home.
I also wanted to tell my story because there are a lot of walking wounded all around us. You might not be able to see the scars, but they are there. If you also experienced abuse, from a parent, from a lover or a spouse; if someone who was supposed to love you and cherish you instead betrayed that sacred responsibility and hurt you, please know this, from my heart: It isn't your fault. No matter what they tell you, it just isn't. You are precious. You are worthy. You are lovable. And you are not broken, you can heal. You can get past it and go on to create a beautiful life. Never give up. Know that there is love enough: even for this. Even for you. And I will not fail to notice that your loving is a miracle. I love you.
What Day I'm On: 23 out of 40, 57% percent of the way
How's It Going: Still slogging along. I would really like some solid food! lol Even a green smoothie would be great. The aromas of foods wafting and torturing my olefactory system is the hardest. I really wish that I were in a position that I did not have to prepare food for anyone else. You could argue that my kids are teenagers, very capable of making their own food. But I view choosing and preparing their food as an act of love. I like planning it out, anticipating how much they are going to enjoy it, and thinking about all the great nutrition I am giving them. They tell me how much they appreciate it too. I spend a lot of time away from them, working; making their meals is a small way for me to nurture them and connect with them on a daily basis. Plus, I don't want to make this juice feast a huge "thing" and be all diva about it. "I have to be excused from all my responsibilities! I'm fasting, you know!" Still, I won't lie; it is hard. That just makes the victory all the sweeter!
Detox? Itching on my torso. Wondering if it could be from any of my supplements? Or just detox? Hmmm...a mystery! It's not fun but it's totally bearable. I have little pimple-like cysts in my underarms. Progress! I used to get huge boils, bigger than a half-dollar and hugely painful. Now, just wee little bumps that don't bother me.
Now I am wondering about the wisdom of cataloging my detox symptoms. I started doing it just to observe and document to give myself evidence that detox was happening--proof that what I am doing is working and worth it. But if we know that what you focus on expands--well, I don't want a healing crisis expansion! Thoughts? Do I continue? Is there value in it?
Emotional Detox? I think we've had just about enough of that for one week. I'm heading back to the shallow end of the pool for now!
Inspiration: This is a new category I'm adding because it so exciting for me to see, as I am moving the junk OUT, and clearing a path, what is coming IN. I am waking up in the middle of the night again, not because of anxiety attacks, but because I am getting such awesome ideas I just have to get them down. I am definitely writing a book! It is writing itself--it is fun and not a fight to get it down. I am in the flow! I wish I could "flow" and still manage 7 hrs of sleep, though. :)
Another thought: Yesterday, I was driving Nora to her job and all of the sudden, smoke or steam (don't know which one yet, but I'm rooting for steam!) started just pouring out from under my hood! I managed to get her to work and me back to work (I was only a couple of blocks away, so I risked it.) I got it towed home. This is my 3rd episode of car repairs this year! Is someone trying to tell me to walk more and take the bus?! lol
A new car is out of the question. Not happening. I don't even know how I'm going to afford to repair this one. Again. Why do cars always have such great timing?!
I have to have a working car because Joe starts rehearsing for the fall show. He has been doing community theatre since he was 8 yrs old. He's a really talented comedic actor and was an excellent dancer before his operation put him out of commission for a year. Even knowing that he was having surgery, the directors invited him to be a part of their "Elite Travel Troupe" (that's really what its called, lol) and he will be performing at the International Youth Festival in Aberdeen, Scotland next year. Anyway, the bus doesn't go by where we rehearse and anyway, sometimes rehearsal goes to 11 pm or later. Not a great time to take an hour or more bus trip! So I guess I will give up my fantasies of losing my mechanic's number. At least I'm helping someone finance his summer home! lol
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Juicy Life--Day 22 of My 40 Day Juice Feast
Wow! I really want to thank everyone for giving me your opinions on which dress to wear to the International Day of Juice Feasting! I am taking all of the advice to heart. I am glowing with all the sweet things people said! *squee!* Thanks guys! I love you too! As of right now, the Little Black Dress is winning. I feel great about that--I love that dress. Honestly, I love them all. It is really fun to get everyone's opinion on your clothes!
Today, I am going deep, and it's all Penni's fault. lol First, she made a beautiful video that made me cry (at work, hee, I was sneaking and watching because I couldn't wait to get home) Then, she asked me this:
What lies have you been told throughout your life (that you have agreed with) about who you REALLY are?
I had, what you might call, a rough start. My mom got married to my dad because they were teen sweethearts and he was going off to Vietnam. She got pregnant with my sister on her honeymoon (no lie, good Catholic couple those two) and then, a couple of years later, I was a result of the homecoming celebration. But that was about all the celebrating that happened in that marriage--my father came home from Vietnam a very different person than he left. He was "deeply screwed up" was all Mom would say, and I would later find out that he had been unfaithful, developed a problem with alcohol, gambling, and was unable and/or unwilling to try to get a job, and those he got, he didn't have for long. They were divorced by the time I was 2 months old. Mom says she would have gotten one sooner but the courts wouldn't let you divorce while pregnant because they wanted to establish paternity and didn't want to put the stigma of an "out-of-wedlock" birth on the child.
So my mom was a single mom with two little girls. She worked as a waitress and bartender to support us, and we spent a lot of time with a babysitter. That particular babysitter, that we had till I was 5 yrs old, was a 300+ lb woman who already had 8 kids of her own, and was taking care of her mentally ill schizophrenic husband. I really don't know why Mom chose this situation for us. Maybe she didn't have a lot of choices. Maybe she thought that this woman had so much experience with kids. In any case, the babysitter was very abusive toward my sister and I.
I don't remember a whole lot of the details, since I was so little. I do have vivid memories of being spanked with a belt, and punished by having to sit on a super hot radiator grate when I did something wrong. I have waffle patterned scars on the back of both thighs to this day from the burns. She would get enraged if we didn't take a nap, and I remember getting yanked out of bed and spanked for "playing possum." This led to years of sleep problems later on. I also remember that we were never allowed inside the house--that we had to stay in the yard, except to eat, like a dog that you only keep outside. I remember crushing boredom--there were no toys or anything to do. We made mud pies and played house. I remember that we snuck out of the yard all the time and went to a park across the street. Thinking back, this boggles my mind because we were unsupervised and I was 2,3, 4 yrs old at this time! My sister would have been the oldest kid and is only 3 yrs older than me. Why didn't anyone ask about the toddlers alone in a park or call the police? Why didn't they notice us playing in the sewer ditches with broken glass with no shoes on? Why didn't my mom get suspicious about all the burns on me (explained as "accidents") or that I got hysterically upset every time we had to go to the babysitter?
I want to say, right now, that I have done a lot of therapy around these issues and I have forgiven my mom, and even the babysitter. There are no excuses; there is only what happened, and acceptance. I who have been covered by grace, and forgiven of so much, cannot refuse to forgive and give that grace to my mother, who is deeply, deeply sorrowful about what happened. As for the babysitter, she has passed away, and I let those sad days pass with her. I won't let that situation hurt me anymore.
I bring this up because I believe, somewhere, back there, when I was just tiny, I decided that "Big people hurt little people." And I didn't want to be little, or vulnerable, any more. I started padding myself with armor; cushioning life's blows with fat, and turning to food for comfort.
When I was home alone, for hours, after school from 2nd grade on, I'd binge and watch Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch until half an hour before my parents got home; then fly around like a banshee and get all my chores done before they got there. No one checked if I had done my homework. No one ever knew if I took a bath or asked if I brushed my teeth. I was a feral child in most ways. The person who raised me, really, besides myself, was my older sister. I was a very laid-back, lazy kid. I drove her absolutely insane. She was responsible for the house; if I didn't get my chores done, it came back on her. We had screaming matches and wounded each other with words.
At school, I was the fat kid, the pariah. I was teased, mercilessly, called every name that you can think of, names that still hurt even though I am so used to it. Kids are cruel. They are hurting, and they act out. I'd hold it together till I got home from school, then cry and stuff it all down. At school, I found some self-esteem in being the smart kid, and in performing arts. I developed a super-friendly, bubbly personality, to compensate for my weight. "Please love me! See, I'm funny! I'm smart!" I felt obnoxious and frenetic, even to myself.
When I was a teen, I was out to prove that I could get a boy to like me. Despite my size, there were a few who did, but I was so clingy and desperate they were quickly spooked. There were more boys who were happy to spend some time with a girl who only valued herself through other's acceptance, and was willing to do a whole lot for any kind of love and affection. There was a lot of guilt and shame with acting out of alignment with my spiritual beliefs. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and felt icky inside, but it didn't stop me.
The story goes on--I married a guy whom I started dating at 17, whom I could be assured would remind me of what I believed of myself: I was fat, therefore unlovable, unworthy, and I should be forever grateful that he deigned to be with me, however verbally abusive he might be. I packed on more and more weight. When I had my kids, I found the strength to get out of that situation, and found myself exactly repeating my mom's situation: married the wrong guy too young and now on my own with a two year old and a 2 wk old.
As a mom, everyone's needs can come before your own. I responded to the stress of single motherhood the same way I had learned to respond to everything: by eating. And over the years, I got bigger and bigger and bigger.
How can you begin to get real with yourself about living a life that is in alignment to who you REALLY are?
Here is where my story gets hopeful. In 1990, I went to see a hypnotherapist to try to address my weight issues. To my huge surprise, what came out in the hypnosis were all the abuse and neglect issues. My therapist, who was also a psychologist, was not surprised at all--she sees this all the time. She told me, rightly, that my real problem was self-esteem, and that I would most likely never be able to deal with my weight until I felt safe enough to let that go. We did a lot of work together, and I worked through a lot of suppressed rage and sadness. Before that, I would have told you, I was just not an angry person. I never got mad at anyone. I didn't realize that I was turning all of that angry in toward myself.
I had a lot of forgiveness work to do. Make no mistake; it is work! I actually decided to put the weight loss on a back burner while I learned to get real with my feelings, and discover who I really am, and release myself, and everyone else, from the issues of my past.
I came to love myself--warts and all. I delight in finding out what I'm good at. I can laugh at my mistakes. I am not perfect, and that's ok. I am perfectly me. I find peace and acceptance, as a precious child of God. He who has always loved me unconditionally has taught me to love myself.
Only now, that I have done this work, have I been able to overcome food addiction issues and allow God to relieve me of my compulsions. I had to believe that I deserved to have that peace, that I was worthy to build a beautiful life. I had to get out of His way so He could help me.
Fat or not, I love me. I believe in myself. I believe God gave a certain pack of gifts, just to me, and is saying, "Ok now, let's see what you can do with this!" And we are both delighted to see what that will be.
Today, I am going deep, and it's all Penni's fault. lol First, she made a beautiful video that made me cry (at work, hee, I was sneaking and watching because I couldn't wait to get home) Then, she asked me this:
What lies have you been told throughout your life (that you have agreed with) about who you REALLY are?
I had, what you might call, a rough start. My mom got married to my dad because they were teen sweethearts and he was going off to Vietnam. She got pregnant with my sister on her honeymoon (no lie, good Catholic couple those two) and then, a couple of years later, I was a result of the homecoming celebration. But that was about all the celebrating that happened in that marriage--my father came home from Vietnam a very different person than he left. He was "deeply screwed up" was all Mom would say, and I would later find out that he had been unfaithful, developed a problem with alcohol, gambling, and was unable and/or unwilling to try to get a job, and those he got, he didn't have for long. They were divorced by the time I was 2 months old. Mom says she would have gotten one sooner but the courts wouldn't let you divorce while pregnant because they wanted to establish paternity and didn't want to put the stigma of an "out-of-wedlock" birth on the child.
So my mom was a single mom with two little girls. She worked as a waitress and bartender to support us, and we spent a lot of time with a babysitter. That particular babysitter, that we had till I was 5 yrs old, was a 300+ lb woman who already had 8 kids of her own, and was taking care of her mentally ill schizophrenic husband. I really don't know why Mom chose this situation for us. Maybe she didn't have a lot of choices. Maybe she thought that this woman had so much experience with kids. In any case, the babysitter was very abusive toward my sister and I.
I don't remember a whole lot of the details, since I was so little. I do have vivid memories of being spanked with a belt, and punished by having to sit on a super hot radiator grate when I did something wrong. I have waffle patterned scars on the back of both thighs to this day from the burns. She would get enraged if we didn't take a nap, and I remember getting yanked out of bed and spanked for "playing possum." This led to years of sleep problems later on. I also remember that we were never allowed inside the house--that we had to stay in the yard, except to eat, like a dog that you only keep outside. I remember crushing boredom--there were no toys or anything to do. We made mud pies and played house. I remember that we snuck out of the yard all the time and went to a park across the street. Thinking back, this boggles my mind because we were unsupervised and I was 2,3, 4 yrs old at this time! My sister would have been the oldest kid and is only 3 yrs older than me. Why didn't anyone ask about the toddlers alone in a park or call the police? Why didn't they notice us playing in the sewer ditches with broken glass with no shoes on? Why didn't my mom get suspicious about all the burns on me (explained as "accidents") or that I got hysterically upset every time we had to go to the babysitter?
I want to say, right now, that I have done a lot of therapy around these issues and I have forgiven my mom, and even the babysitter. There are no excuses; there is only what happened, and acceptance. I who have been covered by grace, and forgiven of so much, cannot refuse to forgive and give that grace to my mother, who is deeply, deeply sorrowful about what happened. As for the babysitter, she has passed away, and I let those sad days pass with her. I won't let that situation hurt me anymore.
I bring this up because I believe, somewhere, back there, when I was just tiny, I decided that "Big people hurt little people." And I didn't want to be little, or vulnerable, any more. I started padding myself with armor; cushioning life's blows with fat, and turning to food for comfort.
When I was home alone, for hours, after school from 2nd grade on, I'd binge and watch Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch until half an hour before my parents got home; then fly around like a banshee and get all my chores done before they got there. No one checked if I had done my homework. No one ever knew if I took a bath or asked if I brushed my teeth. I was a feral child in most ways. The person who raised me, really, besides myself, was my older sister. I was a very laid-back, lazy kid. I drove her absolutely insane. She was responsible for the house; if I didn't get my chores done, it came back on her. We had screaming matches and wounded each other with words.
At school, I was the fat kid, the pariah. I was teased, mercilessly, called every name that you can think of, names that still hurt even though I am so used to it. Kids are cruel. They are hurting, and they act out. I'd hold it together till I got home from school, then cry and stuff it all down. At school, I found some self-esteem in being the smart kid, and in performing arts. I developed a super-friendly, bubbly personality, to compensate for my weight. "Please love me! See, I'm funny! I'm smart!" I felt obnoxious and frenetic, even to myself.
When I was a teen, I was out to prove that I could get a boy to like me. Despite my size, there were a few who did, but I was so clingy and desperate they were quickly spooked. There were more boys who were happy to spend some time with a girl who only valued herself through other's acceptance, and was willing to do a whole lot for any kind of love and affection. There was a lot of guilt and shame with acting out of alignment with my spiritual beliefs. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and felt icky inside, but it didn't stop me.
The story goes on--I married a guy whom I started dating at 17, whom I could be assured would remind me of what I believed of myself: I was fat, therefore unlovable, unworthy, and I should be forever grateful that he deigned to be with me, however verbally abusive he might be. I packed on more and more weight. When I had my kids, I found the strength to get out of that situation, and found myself exactly repeating my mom's situation: married the wrong guy too young and now on my own with a two year old and a 2 wk old.
As a mom, everyone's needs can come before your own. I responded to the stress of single motherhood the same way I had learned to respond to everything: by eating. And over the years, I got bigger and bigger and bigger.
How can you begin to get real with yourself about living a life that is in alignment to who you REALLY are?
Here is where my story gets hopeful. In 1990, I went to see a hypnotherapist to try to address my weight issues. To my huge surprise, what came out in the hypnosis were all the abuse and neglect issues. My therapist, who was also a psychologist, was not surprised at all--she sees this all the time. She told me, rightly, that my real problem was self-esteem, and that I would most likely never be able to deal with my weight until I felt safe enough to let that go. We did a lot of work together, and I worked through a lot of suppressed rage and sadness. Before that, I would have told you, I was just not an angry person. I never got mad at anyone. I didn't realize that I was turning all of that angry in toward myself.
I had a lot of forgiveness work to do. Make no mistake; it is work! I actually decided to put the weight loss on a back burner while I learned to get real with my feelings, and discover who I really am, and release myself, and everyone else, from the issues of my past.
I came to love myself--warts and all. I delight in finding out what I'm good at. I can laugh at my mistakes. I am not perfect, and that's ok. I am perfectly me. I find peace and acceptance, as a precious child of God. He who has always loved me unconditionally has taught me to love myself.
Only now, that I have done this work, have I been able to overcome food addiction issues and allow God to relieve me of my compulsions. I had to believe that I deserved to have that peace, that I was worthy to build a beautiful life. I had to get out of His way so He could help me.
Fat or not, I love me. I believe in myself. I believe God gave a certain pack of gifts, just to me, and is saying, "Ok now, let's see what you can do with this!" And we are both delighted to see what that will be.
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