Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Juicy Life--Day 30 of My 40 Day Juice Feast

I had fun talking to Dave as he was getting out of the hospital yesterday. I'm not completely sure, but I think Tresa is going to drive his truck back down to L.A. for him? It would make sense because she used to be a bus driver, so she's used to big vehicles. I could be totally wrong, though. lol I do know that she has her work cut out for her, unpacking his truck since he won't be staying in it while he recovers. This is a really tough thing all around. Dave is going to need our love and our support, in every way. The most important thing to him is the Candlelight Vigil for complete healing, financial recovery, and the Master's perfect will to manifest in his life. That is going to be Sunday at dusk, where ever you are. You don't have to worry about time zones. When it starts to get dark, you light the candle, and say a prayer, or send energy or love or whatever your spiritual practice entails, with these three intentions: that God's perfect will be manifested in Dave's life, that he will be restored to complete and perfect healing, and that his financial needs will be met and he will be richly blessed and prosper.

I am so proud of the Raw Food Rehab family, and how they are responding to help our brother Dave. I am so impressed with Penni. That woman is a FORCE for good. The Spirit is so strong in her, and so much love is just flowing through the prism of her life for the healing of the planet and the restoration of the people's hearts and minds and bodies.

How we help our own, especially someone who has done as much for others as Dave, will be a huge testament to the Raw Food Community as a whole. Are we REALLY all about health and healing, love and wholeness? Or do we just talk a good game? Do we love you when you're on top, and take off when you're struggling? Time to shine the light, my friends. Let it shine.

What Day I'm On: 30 out of 40. One month down, 75% of the way there

How's It Going: It's going fine. At no time have I had the thought, "I can't finish this out." There have been times when the detox symptoms got scary that I wondered if this was a really wise thing to do. I really think that it is, though. I feel really good about giving my body a rest and letting it dedicate all of its energy to healing. I feel good about my green juices and have gotten used to the taste.

I feel super great about my ability now to stay the course with an eating program--I have been utterly tempted and my resolve has not wavered. God is so good--His strength sustains me through anything! I need not to get cocky, and keep myself in the attitudes and practices where He can continue to help me. The minute I begin to believe, it's not Him, it's me, blammo! I believe my food sobriety will be in serious jeopardy. I spent 40 years in that dessert, wandering around, lost. I don't want to go back there. It dang near killed me.

The weight release has picked back up again, after being stalled out last week. I removed 4 more pounds last week, bringing my overall total to 117 lbs released. 97 of those pounds were released in these last 9 months! That stuns me. I guess an average of 10 lbs a month is pretty normal, but it didn't go 10 lbs every month. There would be a few months with no movement on the scale, and others where I took off 20 lbs. My message is, don't be discouraged if you are doing all the right things, and the scale isn't moving. It's infuriating, believe me, I know. But stay the course and have faith and it will get moving again, in your body's own time and by it's wisdom.

Emotional De-cluttering:
A few nights ago, I basically freaked out on my daughter. I know it is a very typical thing for parents to go nine rounds with their teenagers, but that is not us. We have a commitment to open and honest communication, nurtured and cultivated over all of our lives together as a family. I have always felt that you should treat a child with the same consideration that you treat an adult, and not order them around and bark at them. "Go put on your shoes, you're making us late!" is not my style. "Will you please get your shoes on, so we can be on time?" is how I parent. I think because of this, and because I am quick to apologize the many, many times I screw up, we have a really good relationship that hasn't become more distant as they've gotten older. It also helps that I am super lucky with high achieving, motivated, loving teens who never get into trouble. (Yes, I know I totally won the lottery on that one!) I have to say that the raw food diet has soooo helped me to be a better parent. When I ate junk, all the weird chemicals and toxins poisoning my brain would sometimes manifest in my yelling and freaking out over small stuff, and end in tears (mine and theirs) and apologies (mine) and them basically wanting to find an agency to put themselves up for temporary adoption. On raw food, my moods are even, I find it easier to not sweat the small stuff. I see the beauty in the people around me with unfogged eyes, including my amazing children.

So it was really, really out-of-character that I had what can only be described as a "martyr meltdown." I had this wave of feeling sorry for myself, and said awful things: that my kids didn't really care about me, (not true, at all), that they saw me as nothing more than a paycheck and a housekeeper (wrong), and that it was basically torture to have to prepare their meals while juice feasting, and why didn't they offer, even once, to do it themselves? (because they cannot read my mind and I always said, "oh it's no problem...") I said I never get to watch what I want to on tv (and actually, I don't even watch tv, I'm too busy and there is nothing on anyway. I watch my Glee and Project Runway on the computer) and that I never get a turn on the computer and I have to get up at 4 a.m. to be able to use it (true, but I never ask to use it, and if I did, Joe would give it to me.)

The reason I am sharing this moment I am so not proud of is twofold: I wanted to talk about emotional detox, and about my tendency as a mom to put myself and my needs last, and then blame everyone else for it. I think that is a pretty prevalent problem for us mamas, and maybe it is worse for single moms? I'm not sure. Because when our kids are babies, we are basically their slaves by necessity, and we put our own needs second because it is the right and loving thing to do, I believe we become conditioned to believing that everyone's needs are more important than our own. Being a good mother is as close to the ideal of loving service that I believe we are meant to aspire to achieve, as any other thing we will ever do. But as our children grow into their own people, complete and whole and able to contribute their own light and service, sometimes we forget to put ourselves back on our "to-do" list. That self-neglect, in me, festered into resentment, which I felt guilty about and kept stuffed down. No food to stuff it and blam! out it explodes and rains destruction down on me and my sweet daughter's feelings.

The responsibility for making sure my needs are met rests with me. I need to ask for what I need. I must allow myself to have some time, that is just for me. Some money that I earn, I can spend without guilt. And if I choose to do things for others, in loving service, I need to take responsibility for that decision, and not resent it or blame others for the imposition.

I am so grateful for this juice feast, and even for tough moments like that, (may they never be repeated) for teaching me lessons for my highest good.

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